Musings from Mapleton

My Valentine

2012-02-14T10:37:00.005-07:00

My Valentine makes me smile. A lot. He's 51, but as the picture above shows, he doesn't act it. He isn't full of himself. Doesn't take himself too seriously. He isn't ashamed to publicly display his fun-loving, life-is-meant-to-be-enjoyed attitude. The picture is of the Mapleton "Drill" Team he started years ago. Each 24th of July, our small town celebrates Pioneer Day. As part of the town's annual celebration, there is a parade that goes down Main Street. And one of the most popular entries in the parade is the Drill Team - made up of men (usually dressed in very poor taste) toting their power drills. They have music with silly lyrics like (sung to the tune Take Me Out to the Ballgame): We're the Mapleton Drill Team, see us all with our drills. Proudly we march through the streets of town, drilling things until the sun goes down. Then if we're not through with our drilling, we have a good remedy. We'll take (pause) out (pause) our Halogen lights so that weeeeee......caaannnn.....seeeeee! Not only do these fine men march and sing for the town's citizens to enjoy, they also stop and do formations, do a little dancing......ya know, like all good drill teams do :) It's truly the highlight of the parade and puts a smile on everyone's face.

In those moments, I love my husband dearly. I used to get embarrassed when he'd do things like that. I'd think, "Gosh! I wish he'd act his age!" It was borderline humiliating, I thought. But then I started noticing and hearing about so many other husbands and how uptight they were, how seriously they took themselves, how there would be NO WAY they would be caught dead behaving like that in public. And my heart just softened. I love that my husband isn't too proud to let his hair (well......not his hair, seeing as he's practically bald!) down and just have fun with things. And he encourages other guys to join his drill team and do the same.........let their hair down and just have fun!

My Valentine is kind. He's tender with me. And he's so genuinely caring toward others. They feel it. They know he's not just performing a duty. They know his love is real. I love that about him. I used to complain about this very trait, though. I complained because I wanted all his time, all his attention, all his love. I was selfish and insecure in those days. In my growing up, I have learned how to appreciate that very special characteristic he has. The kind person he IS.

My Valentine is gifted. His musical talent goes beyond the norm. It's a gift God sent him with and he realizes that, so he uses his gift to bless others' lives. He receives constant letters, emails, cards in the mail and phone calls from people he doesn't even know. Husbands who've been nursing their dying wives and the music has brought their spouse, as well as themselves, comfort. Wives who've recently become widows and the music soothes their grieving souls. Patriarchs who listen to his music as they prepare themselves to give blessings. Harried mothers who play his music to bring a calming spirit into their homes. And so on. His music is part of our home. Part of each of us here. The kids and I......we listen to his music and we feel his love for the Lord, his love for life and his love for us.

This weekend my Valentine and I will go for an overnighter at a bed and breakfast inn and I'm really looking forward to the time away with him. It's a place we've stayed before and I'm looking forward to the pampering - the sparkling pear juice and homemade cookies, the spirit of the antiques and the fluffy bed and claw-footed bathtub, the sleeping in and the friends we'll meet at breakfast around the table.

I love my Valentine.

The Human Spirit is Powerful

2012-02-13T08:15:00.003-07:00

We watched a movie I recently purchased about Dr. Ben Carson, head of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins. This is an amazing story!

Dr. Carson was raised by his single mother - a woman who only had a 3rd-grade education and who married his father at age 13. He had an older brother and their mother did all she could to provide for them and to encourage them in school. In elementary school, Ben was at the bottom of his class and he began to struggle with his temper and having violent tendencies. His mother made some changes with her boys, strictly limiting the TV she allowed them to watch, making them finish their homework each day before they were allowed to play or watch TV and demanding they go to the library each week and check out and read at least two books a week and present her with written reports, even though she was barely literate enough to read them.

From his reading and studying non-fiction books, Ben became a voracious reader and found that he was interested in many things. His grades improved and he began to realize that he wasn't stupid after all. By the time he graduated high school, he did so with honors and was accepted into Yale, where he completed a degree in Psychology. From there, he went on to medical school, specializing in neurosurgery.

This movie told the true story of his historical 1987 separation of Siamese twins that were connected at the back of their heads. Never before had separation surgery been successful in cases such as theirs. Always, one (or both) of the twins died from the procedure. After much studying and pondering what could be done, Dr. Carson accepted this case and after heading up a 70-member surgical team and spending 22 hours in surgery, Dr. Carson and his peers were successful in separating the twins so that they could survive individually.

Wow! What an inspiring story! Inspiring to watch a young man who came from very humble, less-than-ideal beginnings take hold of his destiny to become something more, someone great who had much to offer the world. Inspiring to watch a mother who seemed to have little to offer her children, but who refused to play Victim. This Mother, in every sense of the word, refused to watch her children follow in the same footsteps of not being educated, of not being in a position to have dreams they really believed they could follow. She learned to read after all those years and she pushed her children to even greater heights. Dr. Carson's brother also went to college and became an engineer. This mother, with no help from their father, truly fulfilled her role in nurturing her children to become the best they could be.

The human spirit is powerful. Like the people in this movie portray, we don't HAVE to be victims of anyone or anything. We can rise above our less-than-ideal beginnings, our bad environments, our trials and struggles. We can dream big........IF we're willing to open our hearts and minds to the possibilities out there. If we're willing to do our part and we refuse to give up. We are the captains of our fate. Yes, it helps that these two young men had a mother who wouldn't give up and give in to their poverty, her illiteracy, her depression. But if a child can find even one adult in their lives who cares and who watches out for them, they can take that support and run with it. The human spirit is powerful and capable of accomplishing whatever it sets its mind to.

Don't allow yourself to be a victim. Throw off that label and instead allow yourself to be open to something more. Allow yourself the freedom to be in charge of your destiny. The human spirit is powerful.

Born-Again Mormon

2012-02-12T17:15:00.002-07:00

Born-again Christians. I've heard that term my whole life, but didn't really understand what it meant. What I thought it meant was that someone just wanted to, all of a sudden, declare themselves saved. I thought it was just some self-proclaimed title to throw around when you wanted others to believe that just because you declared Christ is Christ, you were automatically saved, regardless of your behavior from that point on. Like I said......I didn't understand.

We don't use that phrase - that title - in the church I belong to, but today I'm calling myself a born-again Mormon. To be "born again" just means that you've experienced a spiritual rebirth and that you have come to know a personal relationship with God. And that's true for me, so I'm throwin' that title out there. I'm a born-again Mormon!

I was born into an active LDS (Latter-day Saint, aka Mormon) family and was raised in the church. Forty-six years of gospel learning. But I never really believed. At least, I wasn't a conscious believer. If there was any faith alive within me, it was quite hidden.....even from me. I went through the motions. Went to church because I was expected to, never feeling anything but guilt and frustration. But enough of that.

I have experienced a spiritual rebirth. A spiritual awakening. And it has lasted longer than some mere moment, some short-term experience. It has lasted for four years! Lasted to the point where I don't question it anymore. I don't second guess myself and the changes that have occurred within. I know there's no going back for me.

Remember when I blogged about the Casting Crowns concert Lyle and I attended back in October? Wow! That was just another born-again Mormon experience! I have grown to love their music, the message they share and how much I feel what they are saying. I have been inspired by movies I've seen this year: Courageous, and all the movies that ONE movie prompted me to see (and buy) by the same Affirm films - Grace Card, Fireproof, Facing the Giants, Flywheel, Faith Like Potatoes.

I read the newspaper this morning and felt so frustrated and discouraged by what's going on in our country. People fighting so hard for civil rights for certain groups that they stomp all over the rights of the rest of us. In the quest for civil rights, those who want to practice their faith as they believe are being accused, sued and forced to be politically correct. And frankly, it's no longer politically correct to believe in God or to practice what the Good Book teaches. And that's disheartening, not to mention wrong.

Well, I'm gonna stand up and say I'm not sorry for what I believe. I believe in God and I believe there is right and wrong. There is good and evil.

Peace, for me, has come from waking up from "the deep sleep of hell" I was in. As a born-again Mormon (that term just makes me smile!), I am fully awake and happy to be so.

Hey! I just happened to search "born again Mormons" and found that there really is some sort of religious group professing to be just that and I don't think that's ME! So please take my little phrase for what it's meant......as a personal declaration and not an affiliation with some sort of break-off Mormon religious group, kay?

When the Teacher Becomes the Student

2012-02-04T12:39:00.003-07:00

I teach a Sunday school class for 17-18 year olds each week. My own son is in the class. I really enjoy it. I love to teach and I love to study and prepare for my lesson each week. But as much as I love to read and study, I have come to realize over the years that it does me no good if I am not trying to apply what I learn to my own life and if I'm not trying to be better.

During last week's lesson, I shared part of a message from an address that Jeffrey R. Holland presented at a BYU devotional. I include the link to the address here: http://www.lds.org/liahona/2010/01/the-best-is-yet-to-be?lang=eng&query=january+(name%3a%22Jeffrey+R.+Holland%22)

In case you don't click on the link and read it for yourself, let me just tell you a bit of what I shared with my class, because today I find myself having to apply this in my own life. It's one of those moments where the teacher has become, once again, the student.

Elder Holland tells of Lot's wife - how she looked back at the home she was leaving and because of that, she was turned into "a pillar of salt." He posed the question Just what did Lot's wife do that was so wrong?" His answer: She looked back with longing. She wasn't just looking back, she wanted to go back. And then he talks about the past vs. the future. He said the past is to be learned from, but not lived in. We need to learn whatever it was we needed to learn from our past and bring the best of those experiences with us, but that we need to not look back as we move forward and look ahead to our future.

He surmises that Lot's wife lacked faith in God. "She doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she already had....she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind." Elder Holland goes on to say: To yearn to go back to a world that cannot be lived in now, to be perennially dissatisfied with present circumstances and have only dismal views of the future, and to miss the here and now and tomorrow because we are so trapped in the there and then and yesterday..." is certainly a lack of faith, if not a form of sinfulness.

Yesterday I found myself sitting in a meeting, writing these words: I need to look at where I am on the continuum. I may not be as far down the continuum as I'd like, but I'm not where I used to be. Quit looking back. Don't allow the after effects to cloud my vision of where I really am and where I'm trying to go. I'm progressing and as long as I'm moving in the right direction, God will be right there with me. On bad days, just get up and do all the little things that need to be done - like making dinner! - and don't give in to wallowing in any of the negativity of the past. Don't look back. Don't entertain the thought that things won't get better, won't be better. You do your part and be willing, and God will use all your trials, suffering and weaknesses to change your heart and create a better life for you.

Today, I recommit. Recommit to doing my part to keep my mind focused on continuing to move forward. Recommit to not looking back, certainly not with fondness. Acknowledge the mistakes, acknowledge the consequences, take away what I need to learn, but then look ahead.

No Lot's wife here. Just Lyle's wife :)

Musing for the First Friday in February (Don't ya love the Alliteration?)

2012-02-03T09:56:00.003-07:00

There seems to be something about Walmart and I. I mean, it just seems like quite often I have experiences - either while at Walmart, on my way to Walmart, after shopping at Walmart - that show up in my blogs. Have you noticed?

Well, yesterday..... on my way to Walmart, I passed my daughter's favorite bus driver Morris. I don't know what the man did for a living - whether he was always a full-time bus driver or whether this is what he's doing in his retirement - but I know my daughter has a warm spot in her heart for Morris. A man who drove her bus to and from track and x-country meets while she was in high school. Doesn't seem like much, does it?

As I glanced over at him, I just felt a real sense of gratitude for simple people who do simple things that touch my children's lives. I know how hard growing up is (Heck! I'm still doing it!), so any person who comes along and performs simple acts of kindness that make you smile or cause you to feel good about yourself or your day......those are important people, simple bus drivers or not.

It reminded me of a recent conversation I had with my son. He was saying that he doesn't feel his running makes any difference - not like what he does musically. He said, "When I share my music with someone, I can really touch their heart. But what does it matter if I run or race well?" He has it in his head that everything he does must equate in touching someone's life. I told him that No, maybe his race doesn't "touch someone's heart", but that he never knows when what he says to a teammate or an example he sets for his teammates makes a difference in their lives. I said, "It's about relationships, Jonah, not running. You're part of a team and when you spend that much time with your coaches and teammates, you have boundless opportunities to touch their lives. You may be at practice, out on a long run, and something you say may be just what someone else needed to hear. Or the support and encouragement you give a teammate might lift their spirit."

I just think being genuine always matters. Being kind is never a waste of time. You might only be a bus driver, a teammate, a substitute teacher, a stranger passing by in Walmart, but so many times it's just the simple things we do, the genuine acts of kindness that we offer, that make all the difference in our day, in our world.

Anyway. My latest Walmart finding.

Declaration of Insanity

2012-02-01T08:49:00.004-07:00

Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And with that in mind, let me just declare: I am insane.

I cannot change anyone but me. And even THAT I need Divine help with! No matter how much I might want to reach into someone's head or heart and mold them into what I want them to be, or into what I know will make them happy, I can't. That's God's work. And unfortunately even He can only do that if the person is desirous and willing.

WHY can't I remember that?!!!!?

Because I'm insane.

So this morning I read something about learning to be a wise farmer instead. It said:

A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. But he can plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. Millions of farmers have made a livelihood from this process over the centuries. They know that not every seed sprouts. But most will grow when planted in proper soil and given what they need.

I would add to this that the farmer also cannot control the elements - the bad weather that might hit the crop. So he can't control the seed's growth no matter how much he counsels it, begs it, threatens it and so on. He can only plant it, feed it, water it, pull out the weeds that grow around it, try to protect it from inclement weather and then pray that God will work His miracle with the seed.

Pray. That is what the farmer is left to do after all he's done in the garden. Pray it will grow. Pray it will yield good fruit. Pray it will be protected to come through the storms or beating sun. Prayer is a spiritual phenomenon created by an unlimited and powerful God. And it can yield amazing results in the garden.

Prayer. It's what will cure me of my insanity. It's all I have left.

Gracie Lou

2012-01-31T09:34:00.004-07:00

This is Gracie Lou.

I know. She's adorable. But I am seriously wondering if I am just too old for this. We made it through Night One okay, because our dog Mia stayed with her. But Mia's never had pups and she's not being the most nurturing big sister. Gracie had 8 siblings and her mom, so she's feeling pretty lonely and Mia's just not cutting it. But having Gracie mess on the kitchen floor - although tile - and whining and yipping if she's not being held isn't cutting it either. I don't know if I will make it through Day One without taking her back to her mother.

I am being torn between the emotion of my impulsive move yesterday and reason. Emotion: She is adorable and I am a serious animal lover. I really thought Mia would love the company - and maybe she will, once she gets used to the pup and once Gracie is big enough to really rough and tumble and play with Mia. We are good to our pets and I know this would be a good home for her.

Then Reason sets in: Training. Shots. Spaying. Chewing. Digging. Potty training. Ruining the yard. It's like Lyle said last night: It's like having a baby when you're in your 50's. You just feel too old.

What to do? What to do? This morning I told Lyle I was going to give it until Saturday and then if it just wasn't working, I'd have him take her back out to the farm. Just thinking about it, though, makes me feel guilty, like I'm giving in and giving up, and rejecting this sweet little thing.

Anybody want an adorable puppy? 7 weeks old and ready to be loved.

Quit Biting Your Knuckles (Or, in My Case, Your Fingernails)

2012-01-29T13:34:00.005-07:00

ANXIETY....

That's a bad state of affairs.

I'm sure there's a really great definition of anxiety in the dictionary, but I'm not gonna look it up. I'm gonna give you my definition of anxiety: Not dealing very well with the pressure of trying to be everything to everyone.

Somewhere along the way, we were trained to worry too much about what other people think. We were trained to please everyone - or at least to try. We were brought up to "keep appearances up," regardless of what it did to our insides. And what DOES it do to our insides? It ties them up in knots. It keeps our bodies held hostage and our minds awake at night. And it does this because it's not healthy or right for us to live in this state permanently.

Anxiety - a natural response to fear......ya know, that fight or flight stuff we've heard about - is meant to be a temporary reaction. A reaction to some temporary cause of fear......... a REAL thing to fear - like a grizzly bear chasing you, or your house going up in flames with your daughter still inside, or having to visit your son in prison. Things that are frightening and chaotic, but temporary. At those times, it's okay to feel anxious.

But what have we gotten ourselves into? Falling apart over taking tests in school or the fact that we didn't get a 4.0 this semester. Melting down about making a mistake at our dance recital or dropping the baton in the 4x100 relay. Beating ourselves up because our teenager is staying home from church or our 9-year-old is a hyperactive source of annoyance and What will the neighbors think?! We tell ourselves that we're stupid, we're failures, we're losers, we're bad if we don't measure up to everyone's expectations, hopes and demands of us or if we say, "No." Heaven forbid! we have to say "No, I can't."

It's exhausting, isn't it?!

Our bodies sure think so. Thus, all the migraines, the stomach aches, the tight neck muscles, the lost or gained weight, the constant fatigue.

I'm not sure why I'm rambling about this today, because it's been a lovely Sabbath and I haven't felt a hint of anxiety today. But I think about the days that I sometimes allow to melt into weeks when I do. And I wonder what I can do more to prevent those days, those weeks, from happening. I wonder what I can mirror for my children to follow, so they can rid themselves of such debilitating anxiety. I see it in both of them - sometimes more pronounced in one than the other. This worry to perform, to be perfect, to please others.

We are meant to have others in our lives and we should care what they think and feel. We need to be compassionate toward others and worry, to an extent, what they think of us and how we affect them. To an extent. But not always. What we really need to focus on - WHO we need to focus on - is doing things that we feel are morally right to do in that moment. Behave in a way that brings us peace of mind, a clear conscience. Worry that what we do pleases God.

Nothing more. No cause for anxiety there.

No Excuses

2012-01-28T14:41:00.002-07:00

This season's theme for The Biggest Loser is No Excuses. The participants will tell you that they've used every excuse in the book for not being able to lose weight. This past week's episode put one team in the position of wanting to fall back on one of those excuses: I am not able to have a gym membership. The team that lost last week's challenge had to work out that week without use of the gym. They mainly just had to use their own body's weight as resistance and had to do good old calisthenics, running, walking, hills, etc. to work their body. Even though this team didn't lose as much as they needed to win the weigh-in, they were thisclose. They had some real success and they found that the excuse of not having gym membership is just not good enough.

I get it......some people are harder to get along with and they make being nice sooooo difficult. I understand........... some challenges are so overwhelming that keeping a good attitude and remaining faithful is tough. Tell me about it.......some habits are so ingrained, you can't imagine letting go and creating new ones. But possible? Oh yes. Without giving in to the myriad of excuses we can come up with - and with God - everything and anything is possible!

What excuses do you use to keep you from attaining your goals? From overcoming your weaknesses? From becoming a better you?

Whatever they are.......why don't you throw them out? Embrace the mantra NO excuses.

I Don't Live in the Desert

2012-01-27T08:53:00.002-07:00

Last night at a women's conference I attended, one of the speakers shared a comment her daughter made: If every day were a sunshiney day, Mom, we'd be living in a desert!"

Now, some of you may think that Utah IS a desert, but I assure you it's not really. We have all the seasons hit here and we have some beautiful farms and gardens. And Happy Valley (our nickname here in Utah County) ISN'T always happy.

I don't live in the desert. Never have. A life of just sunshine has never been my environment. I have always lived where there are clouds, rain, lightning and thunder, snow, wind, floods, even a tornado here and there. But I am still alive! I survived ALL of it and I've noticed something: I appreciate the bad weather, because it makes the sunshiney days all the better! The sunshiney days make me want to go outside and play - run down the street with my dog. Take my oldest granddaughter to the park. Lay out on the trampoline and read a good book. Go for a drive with my window down, the sunroof open and the radio blaring, singing at the top of my lungs.

I'm grateful that I am able to enjoy a lot more sunshiney days in my life now, but I also know how to appreciate the rain, the snow, the wind. It's made me who I am.

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Write Thy Name Upon My Heart

2012-01-25T12:05:00.002-07:00

I just got done singing through a song that I will be singing tomorrow night at a women's conference. I'm singing it with 5 other ladies and I'm looking forward to it.

Ya know, sometimes when I sing, I'm just singing the words, the notes, and nothing more. I'm not connecting with the message. Sometimes it's because the words or the music itself just isn't appealing to me, but sometimes it's because I'm just not open to it at that moment. But other times........those glorious other times, I am. And just now was one of those moments.

The song is entitled Write Thy Name Upon My Heart. When I think of someone having written their name on my heart, it means they have claimed my heart as belonging to them and I, in turn, accept being claimed. I accept that loyalty going both ways. In this piece, the name, of course, is God's. Let me share the lyrics with you:

Write thy name upon my heart, Jesus, Savior of mankind.

Teach me charity unfailing. Teach me compassion, Lord, like thine.

Endow my soul with loving kindness. Make me even as thou art.

Engrave thine image in my countenance. Write thy name upon my heart.

I realize that God is my greatest teacher and He knows the subject of Loving more than any other being. I want to learn how to love like that, to have compassion for someone who's being mean or obnoxious - to see past the behavior to the person who is obviously unhappy inside and needs love. I know that He's the one who will soften and change my heart, endow me with a kindness and a light about me that I can't create on my own.

When battles rage, when storms arise, make me a messenger of peace.

Teach me tolerance and meekness and faith to bid the tempest cease.

Endow my soul with loving kindness. Make me even as thou art.

Engrave thine image in my countenance. Write thy name upon my heart.

I really mean what these lyrics say. I want to be able to be a person of peace and someone who can spread that sense of being peaceful amid the craziness or anger or pain that's going around. I want to be able to handle trials that come to me and my family without losing my sense of Everything's going to be okay. And I want to be a woman who would have the faith to set the chaos straight. A woman with faith enough to turn to God for answers and help.

Grant me strength to serve thee well. Light my spirit with thy grace.

'Til all my works reflect thy goodness; 'til all my labors sing thy praise.

Endow my soul with loving kindness. Make me even as thou art.

Engrave thine image in my countenance. Write thy name upon my heart.

I am a feisty woman. I am a skeptical woman. I am an opinionated woman. A judgmental woman. I need strength and grace and God's spirit to be in my heart in order to overcome those natural tendencies. I need God's name to be written on my heart in order to have kindness enough to perform works and labors that would reflect His goodness.

Sometimes I enjoy just listening to instrumental music, but sometimes..........sometimes that's just not enough. Sometimes I need the words. I love it when I can sing a song that I really feel. It enriches my experience.

If I allow God to write His name upon my heart, I know there will then be space for others to write their names upon my heart as well.

And only then.

Two Thoughts for Monday Became One

2012-01-23T08:48:00.009-07:00

Well, now that I have wasted so much time on this blog post and haven't exercised and need to be at the chiropractor in 42 minutes, here's what I've come up with for today. It was originally entitled Two Thoughts for Monday.

My first thought has been deleted. It's a good story and I think it shows/teaches a few important things, but I just kept feeling wrong about posting it, so I've deleted it. It surprises me just how difficult it is for me to do! I wanted to share it, felt it was important, but it's not feeling right to share. So all I'll say is that I had a little successful moment - which, in not now sharing what happened with you has become an even greater successful moment - yesterday at church in one of our meetings. I'll merely tell you that it was a moment where I kept my mouth shut. Where I didn't lean over to my dear friend and tell her the rest of the story, so to speak. If I had shared my experience with her, it would've made me feel better for maybe 30 minutes, but then later, I would've stewed on it and realized I had been in the wrong to do so. Even though true, it was negative, it was fault finding and would only serve as an act of spreading disunity. And that's all I'm going to say about it.

But here was my second thought: Before my husband left for work this morning, but after we'd already had family prayer with Jonah before he left for school, we had couples prayer. Lyle asked me to pray. After he was gone, I thought about the things I had said and I felt good about them. Knew they were true and important to implement in my life. And that's the thing about prayers. We can say such great things, such true principles, ask the Lord to help us do such-and-such. And then way too many times, that's where it ends! We get off our knees and go about our day and never do our part to make those prayers come alive in our thoughts and actions. As far as messages go, my prayer this morning was really good! But if I don't then get off my knees and get to work on doing what I can to see the prayer become reality, I'm just like the Pharisees in the scriptures. All talk; no action. That's my second thought of the morning.

Make it a good Monday and then have a great week!

Advocates

2012-01-20T12:50:00.004-07:00

Last night I attended Jonah's Eagle scout board of review. Since he's my only son, I had no idea what to expect. When they first called us in, they asked me to introduce Jonah and tell them a little about him. What they actually said was, "Mom.....here's your chance to brag about your son." Well.....they didn't have to ask me twice!

I told them some basics, then shared a story that I felt really told the kind of kid Jonah is. Then Jonah's scout leader shared his feelings about Jonah's worthiness to receive this high scouting award. He said, "I bet you get a lot of moms in here who, you feel, might be stretching the truth a little bit. Well, I can echo everything Mom just said. She's not stretching the truth. Jonah is all that." And then he expressed his appreciation and admiration for all that Jonah offers.

Sitting on the table in his file were 7 letters of recommendation - from Lyle and I, from our ecclesiastical leader, from Jonah's coach, his favorite teacher, someone he's worked for and from dear friends of our family. I don't know what everyone said about my son, but the three men on the Eagle board said this about the letters: We've read these letters of recommendation and everyone speaks so very highly of your son.

I'm going somewhere with this beyond just publicly patting my kid on the back. The whole experience made me think about Christ and his role as our advocate. At the end of our life as we stand to be judged by God, Christ is the one who - like Proud Mom or the others who recommended my child for this award - will stand up for us and plead our goodness and worthiness to receive the greatest eternal blessings God has to offer us. And just like all of us really know Jonah, we need Christ to really know us. We need to have a close enough relationship with him on a daily basis that He would be familiar enough with us to speak up in our behalf.

On paper, Jonah had crossed his T's and dotted his i's. Everything was in its place. But he had to recommend himself and he needed to have others recommend him as well. The Eagle board wanted to hear from a handful of sources that Jonah is who he says he is and that he has really earned his Eagle in an honorable way. God wants to hear the same about us - that we have others, specifically Christ our brother, who can confirm that we are who we say we are and that we really have earned our reward in heaven in an honorable way.

Four Years Ago

2012-01-19T14:07:00.002-07:00

About 4 years ago, I asked close friends and adult family members to give me some feedback. I was desirous to know how others really saw me - what they liked and disliked. Here is my exact request:

I am sending this out to a few of you. Rather than call or talk to each of you about it, I thought I'd make it easier on myself while providing a venue that made it more comfortable for you to be completely honest with me. I really seek your honest feedback. This will only help me if you agree to be real with me.

Please email me back as soon as you are able, answering the following:

1. What 3 things do you like most about me?

2. What 3 things do you like LEAST about me?

If you can take some time to think about your answers, I'd rather you do that than just immediately fire me back a response.

Thanks tons!

Some of you might remember my doing this and you might even remember how you responded. I have kept each of your responses and have thought of them often, trying hard to work on overcoming the negative, while believing and embracing the positive.

It was really interesting to me that one friend refused to respond and, in fact, got upset with me for asking......for putting her on the spot, I think she said. At the time, I remember feeling really frustrated with her and offended that she was trying to make me feel wrong for asking. It took me a while to realize her response was more about where she was at in her life and that I should have been more understanding. I get it now.

Well. Why am I bringing this up now? Because my Day 5 Love Dare yesterday had me asking my husband to tell me three things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. I think my wording to him, however, was "bothered." Tell me 3 things about me, or that I do, that really bother you. Just like four years ago, I still believe strongly in the benefits of getting honest feedback from others..........IF you want to be honest with yourself, that is, and are desirous of improving yourself and your relationships.

So anyway, I asked Lyle. I was very surprised by his response. He said, "You've changed and grown so much, there's not really anything I can think of that's a glaring problem for me. But I'm not looking for things like that." I'm not looking for things like that.

That was the end of the discussion, but not the end of the conversation inside my head. I felt so grateful for his generous feedback......for the fact that he really feels that way about me. I remember, four years ago, when I asked this question before, he had MORE than three things on his dislike list and he was more than willing to tell me! But just like my friend's refusal to give me feedback and her somewhat angry response to me being more about her than about me, my husband's sweet response last night was really more about the quality of his good heart and not so much about my being a perfect wife. Cuz I'm not. Today as I wrote about his response, I answered the question for him. I listed the three things that I think are most glaringly wrong in my behavior or attitude toward him.

But he taught me something nonetheless. Even though he didn't give me 3 things to work on, he gave me something greater to work on. He gave me his example of sincere charity - of looking for the good and not focusing on the bad. Of forgiving and letting go. Of celebrating growth and improvement.

I'm not looking for things like that. I want to join him in living by that perception of others. I want to see the good and overlook the bad. I want to be forgiving and generous in my judgments. I want to be compassionate and supportive. I want to be KIND.

Repeating Day One

2012-01-12T08:51:00.005-07:00

Man! I feel like I've only had 3 or 4 hours of sleep! Wait! I HAVE only had 3 or 4 hours of sleep! How ironic that I was up until the wee hours, helping my son edit his last-minute-it's-the-end-of-term essay for AP English & Composition and the essay's topic dealt with the sacrifices mothers make :) We both got a chuckle out of that and I got a big hug and thank you from Jonah. Course, we were both feeling so deliriously exhausted by then, so everything started to be funny. Our brains were fried. His computer had furiously deleted the second half of his essay, then froze up so all we could do was hit Control+delete and regroup. At that point, I seriously contemplated smashing it with a sledgehammer.

But that wasn't all. Last night ALSO included a mad scramble of pulling all his Eagle paperwork together, because he'd just been told he needed to turn it in TODAY - not next week - in order to qualify for next week's board of review. Signatures had to be gotten, his statement wasn't completed, his dad still hadn't written his letter of recommendation (which he did, then promptly went to bed and asked me to type it up, which I did, but then woke him up to sign and sign the back of the sealed envelope), nor had he received his ecclesiastical leader's letter of recommendation, pictures from his project and from the supplies being distributed in India needed to be printed, yada yada yada! And by the way.....my eyes really burn this morning. Why am I not in bed?!

Meanwhile, Lyle's new cell phone wasn't working and because Lyle expects me to handle all things of that nature, I spent WAY too much time on the phone with straighttalk, which resulted NOT in success, but in my telling Lyle he just needed to stick with his old phone. And when they still hadn't reactivated that this morning and I had to call them up again before he left for work and get the problem resolved, I wanted to take a sledgehammer to THAT!

And to top it all off, the Jazz lost in overtime at home to the Lakers. I HATE the Lakers!

I am rambling about all this chaos so that you know where my brain has been and why I fell. It was Day One of the Love Dare and I was supposed to go throughout the day without saying anything negative to my husband. No fault finding, no sarcastic digs, nothing negative at all. I'd done so well. But then the meltdown of STUFF and I messed up.

So now it's Day Two, but I have to do Day One again. Cuz I didn't get it right. And isn't that just how life is?

Sleep will help. I know it will. Maybe I can get some tonight after rehearsal?

Choosing to SEE

2012-01-11T08:08:00.003-07:00

Last night I finished another book. One that Santa brought me for Christmas. And all I can say is Wow.

Many of you might not know who Steven Curtis Chapman is, but the book I read was written by his wife Mary Beth. Steven is a very successful Christian singer/songwriter; his wife, a stay-at-home mother of six......well, now five. Three years ago, their family faced a tragedy that I cannot imagine having to face. Their youngest child - an adopted 5-year-old girl from China - was struck by the car their second-oldest son was driving. She was killed. Besides dealing with their own loss, the anguish and guilt their son felt was an added trial for the whole family, as you can imagine it would be.

The book is full of their faith, their belief, their strength in God. It's inspiring.

It makes me ashamed to complain about little things....

45 Minutes of Silence

2012-01-07T13:02:00.002-07:00

I did it! 45 minutes of total silence. It was WONDERFUL! That is, until the last 5 minutes or so. At that point, I started to feel a little edgy about not doing something. Thoughts started invading my quiet space. Thoughts of the house that needs to be cleaned, exercising that needs to be done, an empty stomach whose growling needs to be silenced, and a blog that's calling to be written.

This is how I did it: I set my alarm clock for 45 minutes later. Then I went around my room and silenced everything - my cell phone, the computer, even took the house phone off the hook and put it down the hall under Kelsie's pillow. Then I sat on the futon in our bedroom, closed my eyes and stretched my neck, trying to clear all thoughts out of my mind. I enjoyed that completely! I don't know if this was cheating, but I did some writing. I got out my 12-step manual and read about turning my will over to God, then did some writing about that. I know it involved words and writing, but at the same time, I felt very in tune with the message and really thought on its necessity in my life. I only spent about 10 minutes there. Then it was freedom from words again.

I lay flat on my back on the floor and focused on my breathing. Taking deep breaths in, holding it, and letting it out slowly. I found that to be somewhat painful up into my shoulders. There was a lot of tightness there, so I did this until I felt the tightness leave. I stretched then, all the while closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing. That was nice.

I spent some time just looking out the window at the falling snow, which I found to be really, really relaxing. So relaxing that I sincerely was able to just clear my mind and watch. The cats were staring at me, but this time, I didn't talk to them in my kitty voice. I just smiled and remained silent.

When my alarm went off, it startled me, but like I said, by that last 5 or so minutes, I was ready to re-enter my usual world. And good thing, too, because about 10 minutes later, my sister showed up unexpectedly and asked if she could run on our treadmill. She said she'd been calling and calling, but I must have been on the phone :)

I look forward to trying this again tomorrow when Lyle and Jonah are here and see how I fare!

Silent Retreats

2012-01-06T14:06:00.002-07:00

I talk a lot.

My husband talks a lot. My daughter talks a lot. My son talks a lot. But I talk a lot. Too much.

And I don't know everything. I don't have all the right answers. And most people don't care to hear what I think. And most people already know what they're doing wrong. And I usually don't feel better after I've talked too much.

This morning I read something about silent retreats. They are places you can go and stay for a few days, a week - longer, if you like - where no one speaks. They don't even communicate on paper (or computer or texting). Complete silence. WOW!

I think I could really appreciate and learn a lot from an experience like that. But I don't see it happening. I'm not in a position to travel to India or Zimbabwe or the like and live in silence for a week. But it was suggested in this book that I could set aside a period of silent time every day just here at home. A time when I don't talk to anyone on the phone. I don't get on the computer and blog or email or comment on facebook. Where I don't answer the doorbell. I don't get into a texting conversation. Obviously, I'd need to do this while everyone was gone to work and school so I didn't talk to anyone in my immediate family. Hmmmmmm.

It says that by practicing silence, I can calm my mind, silence the ego running around in my head and create a stable mental environment so that I can perform in the Zone. I don't take this to mean just performing specifically in music or whatnot, but just in "performing" my day-to-day tasks. Just in dealing with others, in making decisions, in living my life. Hmmmmmm.

I don't have enough silence. Even when I'm here alone, I'm loud. I'm talking on the phone. I'm typing on the computer. I'm listening to music.

I like this idea. Silence. I think I'll try it! Every day, for a (yet undecided) amount of time, I'm going to take a temporary vow of silence and simply stop talking! Stop the noise coming out of my mouth. Stop the noise inside my head and just meditate.

In silence.

When I decide to talk again, I'll let you know how it goes.

Remove This Cup

2012-01-02T13:13:00.002-07:00

I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day. We were talking about life's trials and the part that faith plays in being able to deal with them. We both shared our experience with going to the Lord in prayer, pleading that a particularly difficult trial could be removed. We both asked God just to take it away, knowing that He could. Wondering why He didn't.

I said that I know God uses our trials and difficulties to teach us lessons and that He allows us to endure hard things in order to learn something we weren't learning through other means. The reality for most people is that when their life is going along smoothly, they begin to take things, and people, for granted. And when life is good and easy, people usually just keep the status quo of their personalities and lifestyle in place - they don't look at themselves and ask what they need to change or overcome, because "Why should I? After all, my life is working well, right?!"

Toward the end of the discussion, my sister-in-law (who has recently lost her husband of 51 years) said the last time she was pondering this subject of praying and not getting the desired answer, the crucifixion of Christ came to her mind. She said, "He asked His father if He could have this severe trial removed from His life, but Heavenly Father said No." I have been thinking about that ever since she and I talked. God's only perfect child asked for something in prayer, but God's answer was "No." He didn't remove the cup. You'd think He would give His perfect, obedient child whatever He asked for, right? Especially when the suffering was so great!

There's not one of us who's been asked to endure a greater trial than that, nor will we ever be asked to endure such a trial. Yet Christ still remained obedient and faithful and loving to His Father. We should never let our trials turn us away from, or against, our Father. To do so.......well, it just makes us spoiled, pampered, ungrateful, demanding children.

Our cups will not always be removed, but it doesn't mean God doesn't love us. It doesn't mean it's because we are bad people being punished. We signed on for Earth life, knowing it was going to be extremely difficult. We're having the experience we were meant to have and that we agreed to have. Don't forget that.

Oh, the Possibilities!

2012-01-01T13:48:00.003-07:00

It's unnecessary for me to point out that it's the beginning of a new year, but I want to anyway, cuz there's something so exciting and inviting about a new year! A new year is an invitation to make changes - try something new, throw out the baggage, become who you really want to be. It's also a fresh start, a clean slate and there's a positive energy that comes with that. I can't help but feel energized today with the possibilities!

Having said that, I no longer fall prey to the long New Year's Resolutions lists. I just don't go there anymore. My lists were always so long and all they did was make me feel overwhelmed right from the start. So as I've matured and gained more of life's wisdom, I've realized I just need to keep plugging along with the things I'm doing right, the things that bring me peace and then I need to address and really focus on just 1 or 2 things that are glaringly not right in my life and work on those couple of things. Then as I feel ready, I take on something else that is calling to me........"Jan! Look at me! You need to take a look at fixing me!" And life continues and I continue to tackle one thing at a time and not some monster list of 15 things that are wrong, ya know?

In church this morning, JoAnn asked the question, "How do you want to be remembered?" The fact is no one knows when they're going to leave this Earth life, but for each day that we're given here, we do have control over our thoughts and actions, so what are we gonna do with our lives.........how do we want others to remember us and talk of us after we're gone? I actually think of that often. I imagine what people will say at my funeral, what they will be feeling, what they will remember most about me. It gives me the creeps sometimes, because there's so much negative they could dwell on. I know that. But truly. Truly I am working hard to erase the likelihood of that happening. I KNOW how I want to be remembered - the things I hope people can honestly say about me, the loss I want my absence to create - even if only until the grief passes. I want to have mattered, to have made a difference. I want to have enjoyed life while reaching as high as I could up my ladder of potential. I want to have touched lives.

Oh, I embrace the possibilities, the opportunities this new year brings me!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to Jan Marie Leavitt Hadlock! And HAPPY NEW YEAR to each of you! Let's DO this!

And Dean Returned My Shoes

2011-12-31T13:00:00.002-07:00

I went grocery shopping at Walmart this morning. Not a big deal, I know. As I was putting my grocery sacks into my trunk, however, I happened to hear a man yelling at his wife and his dog. They were way across the parking lot from me and didn't know I could hear, and see, what was going on. The woman was hurrying away from the van, shaking her head and putting her hand up toward him as if to say, "No! Leave me alone!" He just kept screaming at her, but didn't follow her on foot. Instead, he screamed at and chased the dog - who seemed really scared - to get into the van, then started following her. He was very agitated in all his movements.

I got nervous and after getting my groceries in the car, went around some other stores so I could see if she was okay or if I could help. He was pretty heated and I could see that she was barefoot (and it was probably only 35 degrees outside) and in shorts, although she did have a long, dirty coat around her.

I hung back where he couldn't see me and watched. He kept pulling up alongside her and screaming at her, but she just kept walking. Every once in a while, she'd sorta hop and I knew her feet had to be hurting from the cold. I wanted to help. I just casually drove by when he had turned a corner, and asked if I could help. She shook her head "no" and kept watching to see if he was coming back. I drove off and was going to head home, but didn't feel good about leaving. So I just found a spot about 100 yards away and sat there.

I saw a policeman down the street and so, obviously, did the man in the van, cuz he left her alone for the moment and drove out of sight. She saw that I was still sitting down the way and after looking over her shoulder, she started to run toward my car. As she approached, I asked again if I could help her and she shook her head "no." But then she went around my car and got in the front passenger seat, bare feet, filthy clothes, greasy hair, cigarette and all.

Now, if you know me well, you know this isn't something I'd usually do.......pick up a stranger. I don't pick up hitch hikers. I don't let people I don't know get into my car. I'm not a trusting individual when it comes to the general public and this woman looked like trouble. But something in me said it was going to be okay and that I needed to help her. So I followed that feeling. We left the parking area and I asked where I could take her. She said, "As far away from him as you can." I asked if I could take her to the police station, so they could help. Absolutely not. She said, "They're in on it and they've bugged everything. Your car is probably bugged. Maybe you're even bugged." So I just drove toward home, asking as many questions as I could and trying to stay calm :)

She talked nonsense mixed, now and then, with something coherent. And she smoked. In my car. Yuck. But you know what kept coming into my mind? My brother Mike, who I love bunches and bunches. He smokes and he isn't always coherent in his talking - especially if he's off his meds. This woman obviously had some mental health issues as well and I just thought, "If my brother Mike were being threatened and harmed by someone and he needed help, I would hope someone would look past his appearance and reach out to him."

So I drove toward home, listening to her ramble, all the while thinking about where I could take her. I noticed she had on a couple of red hospital bracelets, so she'd obviously recently been in the hospital. Because she wanted nothing to do with the police, I didn't dare go to the police station. But I didn't want to take her to my home, either. She'd been telling me about all the awful things he'd done to her and I guess I was afraid to bring her TOO much into my world. So I drove 3 blocks away from our police station in town and dropped her off there. But not before taking off my shoes and socks and giving them to her. My favorite shoes, no less. Her feet were 3 sizes too big for them, but she was at least able to get the socks on her cold feet and just smash down the backs of the running shoes and wear them that way. She looked to see that he hadn't followed us, then she got out, said, "God bless you" and started walking away.

I immediately drove to the police station to get help for her, found it closed (it's the weekend and we're just a small town), then went home to call our friend and neighbor, the chief of police. I told him I hadn't known what to do and didn't know if it was emergency enough to have called 9-1-1. He said I should have. Oh well. You do what comes to you in the moment, right? We talked for a bit, then he said he would go find her. About 15-20 minutes later, he came to our home and told us he'd just picked her up (she didn't fight him, cuz he was dressed in his regular clothes and had an unmarked car) and then contacted the Springville police - since that's where the couple had been and where her husband (or boyfriend) likely was still driving around looking for her. I was able to describe the van and what the man looked like and gave him whatever other information I was able to get from her and they took it from there. He assured me they were going to get her some help. With the hospital name tags on her wrist, they were able to get her name.

And Dean brought my favorite shoes back! That was just the bonus to the already good feeling I'd had about being willing to reach out and help her. It's just that when I looked into her eyes, I saw past all the stink and filth and nonsense talk to another woman's heart. And it was good. And she needed help.

As I had walked out of Walmart, in walked a beautiful little girl who looked up at me and cheerfully said, "Happy New Year!" I smiled and returned with, "Well, THANK you! Happy New Year to you, too!" And this CAN be a happy year for me if I continue to reach out to others in love and service.

The Ring Scene Re-Created

2011-12-24T10:20:00.009-07:00

Remember my telling you all about the movie "Courageous" a couple months ago? Yes, well, at the time, I didn't share with you the part in the movie that touched me the most, because Lyle and I had decided that for Christmas, we were going to have him re-create that scene with our daughter.

In the movie, one of the dads has a teenage daughter who was spending time, and receiving a lot of attention from, a kid who was up to no good. He was involved in some gang-related activities and such. There's this scene where the dad takes his daughter out to dinner, they are all dressed up, and the following conversation takes place:

Nathan Hayes: "Jade, I brought you here because I want to tell you how grateful I am that God gave you to me. I see my daughter becoming a beautiful young woman. And I can understand how any young man would be drawn to you. But I would also like for you to know that, as your father, I want the very, very best for you. One day, I'll give you away to another man, and I want that man to love God more than anything. Because if he does, then he'll love you. And I know how young men think. They want to win your heart, but they don't know how to treasure it. So I'd like to make an agreement with you. Jade, if you'll trust me with your heart, and allow me to approve any young man that desires to have more than friendship with you, I promise to take care of you and give you my full blessing when God shows us the right one."

Jade Hayes: "Ok, I will."

Nathan Hayes: "Thank you. I have something to help us remember this night. Jade, will you give me your left hand, please?"

Jade Hayes: "Daddy, is this real?"

Nathan Hayes: "Yes, it is. This is meant to be worn until it is replaced by your wedding ring. Jade, I love you, sweetie. And from this night on, I want to treat you like the young woman that you are."

Jade Hayes: "Daddy, thank you so much. I love you too. I love you."

And as you can see, the father gives his daughter a promise-type ring. It's a really touching scene and I was very emotional while watching. I couldn't help but think of our beautiful daughter, Kelsie. Many of her peers are already getting married and even though she doesn't feel ready for marriage at this young age (nearing 20 years), sometimes I know she worries that she's being left behind and that she won't find a worthy young man to adore her. Many of the guys she's met down at college have proven to be less than what she's looking for and I guess I sometimes let myself worry that as the years pass, if Mr. Good Guy still hasn't come along that she'll settle for less. And that would break our hearts.

So tonight, on Christmas Eve, Lyle and Kelsie got dressed up and went to dinner. She knew they were going, but she didn't know what would happen while there. While waiting for their food to come, Lyle gave his own rendition of the above speech. Kelsie said he talked about wanting her to find someone who would love God more than he loves her, because then he would cherish her. He reminded her how, when she was a little girl, she used to say that when she grew up, she was going to marry her Daddy. Obviously she grew to realize the impossibility of this. But, he said, he hoped she would find someone that would love her, protect and take care of her and want the best for her just like her daddy does. And he told her to wear this ring until the day it is replaced by her engagement/wedding ring, and not to settle for anyone less than someone who is worthy of her.

I hope Kelsie will remember her father's words beyond tonight. I hope she will remember them when she's feeling rejected; when she's feeling lonely; when she's wondering if she'll ever find Mr. Right. I hope she'll remember them when some turkey of a guy mistreats her or disrespects her. I hope this beautiful heart-shaped amethyst will remind her that she is worth so much more and not to settle for anyone who would love her less than her father loves her or than God loves her. For she is truly the Daughter of a King.

What Are They Among So Many?

2011-12-18T19:56:00.005-07:00

Today in Sunday School, members of the class shared some of their thoughts from this year of studying the New Testament. One of my friends shared her insights on John 6:9. It's a reference to when Jesus fed the 5,000 with just five loaves of bread and two small fishes. At first glance, there's not much there in this verse. At least that's what I thought.

She said, "It would be like walking into our ward Christmas breakfast and there only being 5 pancakes and 2 pieces of sausage to feed the couple hundred or so people who show up."

And I paraphrase her thoughts: I used to feel like that, asking myself the same question - Who are you among so many? So many smart people. So many pretty people. So many skinny people and rich people and talented people. So many popular people. Who are you among so many?

And right then, I knew where she was going with her line of thinking and a warmth filled my heart. She said she knows that's what Christ does. He takes what we have, who we are, and he increases us. He makes much more of us than we can on our own. Like the five loaves and two fishes, he is able to take each of us, individuals out of the whole of humanity, and make something great of us. And then we, in turn, are able to reach out and touch many lives.

Her message touched my heart. I thought about this upcoming week and how we will celebrate the birth of Christ and the gift of His life. And what a sweet and powerful message to carry with me as I approach Christmas....that God can make me great among so many. He takes me where I am - a meager five loaves and two fishes' worth - and makes me ENOUGH.

Carols and Confections

2011-12-15T19:18:00.005-07:00

I finished the last of my Christmas shopping today and got the stocking stuffers. It was so much fun! Ever since I was a little girl, I've always enjoyed thinking of, and finding, just the right gift for those I care about. Between last night's concert and today's shopping, I feel like the finishing touches have been put in place for me to be fully in the Christmas spirit. And now I'm blogging while listening to Bing Crosby sing White Christmas, It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas, Silver Bells, and I'm thinking It doesn't get any better than this!

Sometimes, when you close your eyes, you can remember. I was talking with my mom last night after the concert (she spent the night at our home) and she mentioned how much my dad would've enjoyed watching Jonah and I perform. After she went to bed, I closed my eyes and saw his face, heard his voice. I pictured him in the audience, sitting by my mom, his arm lovingly around her. Both of them would have eyes glued to the stage, beaming with pride as Jonah accompanied the choirs or sang in the Concert Choir. My dad's heart would've swelled with pride as I walked out on the stage, stood in the front and sang with all my heart. He loved.....absolutely loved to watch me sing and I have no doubt he'd be tickled pink to see his grandson do what he does musically. It would've been a night of great satisfaction for Mom and Dad/Grandpa and Grandma Leavitt. As it was, my mother sat alone, feeling all those things for them both.

Last night I loved performing! Not just the singing - of course that was fun - but the stage presence. Smiling, looking out at the audience and trying to connect, allowing my body to move with the music, showing that I was enjoying myself or that I felt the words I was singing. Earlier in the day, I'd received an email from our choir secretary telling us: "We're singing about the best news the world has ever known! Let it show on our faces!" I took that to heart and tried to remember to do just that.

Let me leave you with the clips to a couple of the songs from last night's concert. One is a beautiful piece by John Rutter entitled "Blow, Blow, Thou Winter Wind" sung by the VERY small ensemble I'm in. We're only 13 members strong, so our sound got a little swallowed up in that big auditorium, but was one of my favorite performances of the evening. The other is of Jonah accompanying the full Mapleton Chorale (of which I'm a part), along with all the Maple Mountain High School choirs - some of which you cannot see out in the aisles of the auditorium - on the evening's opening number......oh, I lied, it was the third number. Oh well. Enjoy!

(Nearly 30 minutes later, kid you not) Oh, forget it! It still says "uploading video" and that's just for the first one! I have lost my patience. I guess you'll just have to pretend you can hear us - or watch it on facebook......if you're friends with me, that is :)

I Used to Be a Runner

2011-12-12T20:39:00.005-07:00

Once upon a time, I used to be a runner. A pretty good one, too. I didn't start running regularly or more seriously until I was in my mid 30's. Before that, I might've gone running now and again - for the choice of exercise for the day - but nothing consistent, nothing far, nothing too fast.

But one day, I caught the Running Bug and decided to try my first 5K. It was in July and I can just remember how miserable an experience it was :) I got gut aches, wanted to throw up, my legs felt like lead, but I was hooked! Late in 2004, I began keeping a running log. I recorded my mileage for each week, day by day, as well as how long it took me to run it, what the weather was like, which route I took and whether it was flat or had hills, whether I was alone or running with someone else, and how I felt on the run - my level of energy, any injuries nagging me, etc. And I raced a lot, especially during the summer - 5Ks, 10Ks, half marathons. I kept track of my times and places, always trying to beat my personal best time from before. I accumulated a lot of medals, usually placing in the top 3 of my age group. One time, I even came in first for all women in a 5K. It was fun being the one to run through the toilet-paper finish line! That was my fastest-ever 5K time and I sure felt it!

The more focused on running I became, the less slack I cut myself if I didn't run. It was a 5- or 6-day a week activity and when I skipped days, I felt guilty. Whenever I had to put a zero on my mileage for the day, I went to bed feeling like I'd messed up.

But I gotta say.......I remember those days with fondness. Going out for a run with my tunes, my watch and my dog. I timed everything; rarely ran without a watch and a pedometer. Serious business.

Then, about a year and a half ago, I started having severe lower left back pain and pain in my left hip and pelvis. I tried running through it for a while, but eventually I had to stop. Many of you are aware of my ongoing medical search to find a reason and a cure to the debilitating pain. So far, no answers. Nowadays, I see a chiropractor once or twice a week, not because he can fix me, but because he helps me manage the pain. I'm able to run now and then, but it's not anywhere near the same. I can't go as fast. I can't go as far. I can't go as often. I don't ever settle into a groove - don't ever get that Runner's High that I so enjoyed. And I no longer race.

This past week, I came to a conclusion, however, that I feel I can finally accept: Those days are gone.

I will always love running - watching it, doing it myself. But I will no longer let my empty running log make me feel guilty. I won't ever run with a watch again. Probably will never enter another race..........And it's okay. It's okay that I will just exercise - when I feel able - to stay healthy and in shape, the best I can. I will allow walking to be good enough, cuz some days, that's where I'm at. I will do more stretching and resistance work. And if the week goes by without any exercise - because that's what my pain level has dictated for me - I will listen to my body, I won't guilt trip, and I'll try again the next week!

But, I used to be runner. And I loved it.

An Old-Fashioned Believer's Lament

2011-12-09T11:17:00.003-07:00

Atheism: A lack of belief in God(s). That's fine, of course. Everyone has the freedom and right to believe (or not) as they choose. I'm good with that. However, there are many times when I think it just gets out of hand. When it gets too personally attacking of the general population or pushes too hard to take away their right to believe.

Example: Here in the State of Utah, it became a little custom for the Utah Highway Patrol to post crosses with the name of the Highway Patrolman who was killed on duty, at the scene of the accident or death. You would see these small, white, wooden crosses here and there along highways. No big deal. Were those little memorial markers really hurting anyone driving by? To the non-believers and those whose life's agenda is to push against anything hinting at religion or the State practicing any hint of religious behavior, it was. Because they raised a stink and now that practice no longer is allowed.

Example: The American Atheists have installed a billboard at the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel in New Jersey that reads: "37 Million Americans know Myths when they see them. What do you see?" Below that saying are photos of Neptune, Jesus Christ, Santa Claus and a suit-wearing devil with horns. Last year, this same group posted a billboard showing three wise men traveling toward Mary and Joseph, who were kneeling beside a manger. Above that picture it read: "You KNOW it's a myth. This Season, Celebrate REASON."

What is wrong with people?! Believe what you want, but don't make a public bashing of most of society's beliefs! That's just uncool. And unnecessary. You don't see some Christian group posting a big old billboard sign that reads: "Atheists are merely ignorant and angry citizens." What would the point of that be? We have been given the right to believe in God or not, but there's no reason to bash each other over our difference in belief.

I try hard not to let things like this get me down, but sometimes I just feel SO tired of living in a world where people are so out to get everyone else. Way beyond the Christianity vs. Atheism question, you have child abusers, wife beaters, murderers, drug pushers. We've got Sanduskys, Mansons, you name it. And like so many others in our country, I imagine these so-called atheists are just as caught up in spending thousands on Christmas presents and running around like crazy people, not ever stopping to think about the reason they're celebrating the holiday in the first place.

We are such a materialistic, fast-paced society and I, frankly, hate being part of it! I don't mean that in a suicidal or holier-than-thou kind of way, mind you. I just mean to say that Gosh, I wish we'd slow down. Relax. Live life a little more simply. And that we'd be kind to each other.

I have these feelings overcome me every once in a while and they are very poignant, very strong. This week, I have just been keenly aware of how much I don't like living a fast-paced, constantly-stressed-out existence, nor do I like living around others who are constantly going, always stressed, never have a minute to relax and enjoy each other's company. I always find myself pining away for "the olden days." Not that I really lived that long ago, but I think even of my parents' days in Bunkerville, Nevada. Small town full of people who had their kids call each other Aunt and Uncle, because they felt like one big family. It was a real community with people looking out for each other. No TVs, no computers, no cell phones, not a lot of cars, no going out to eat or to the movies. Just people working hard during the day and being with each other the rest of the time. I like that. Heck! I even miss the old remote-less TVs I grew up with! We had one TV in our home (and I remember when it was black and white) and you had to get up to change the channel. And the channels were free! And there wasn't smut and garbage on the TV! I loved watching Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons and Leave it to Beaver and seeing my favorite Christmas cartoons - The Little Drummer Boy, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Frosty the Snowman - come on once a year.

I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like I'm in the wrong time zone. I showed up on the Earth too late. I long for a simpler life. A slower life. A life where there's time to stop and smell the roses, then share some of those roses with my neighbor.

Anyway. I'm done. I'm gonna go clean my house now, then make sugar cookies for my son and his date and four other couples who will be coming to our home tonight after the high school Christmas Ball. I'm gonna put on my Bing Crosby Christmas CD and let it wash over me, as I daydream about a White Christmas.

Sending Hate Vibes to the Entertainment Industry

2011-12-08T10:59:00.003-07:00

My head is spinning.

I am angry. Angry at the entertainment industry. At the technology craze. At the exorbitant price of it all!

What can we do without.......really?

Comcast prices are increasing again the first of the year. We have everything with them - our cable TV, our home phone and our hi-speed internet services. We use our phone, multiple times every day. Yes, we have basic cell service, too (through Straight talk), but I like a home phone. We use our internet every day. And because my computer is so far from the modem (at Lyle's computer), without a boost, I wouldn't have much of a connection, let alone a hi-speed connection.

But THEN there's the TV. Oh. my. goodness. We pay out the hind end for cable TV service.......digital This, high-def That, DVR, on-demand, yada, yada, yada. I am thisclose to yanking it all! If I had my way, cable TV service would be like any other utility service. We would pay for what we use. For what channels we want and for how much time we spend watching those channels. Under that scenario, our monthly bill could be cut in MORE than half! In all honesty, I watch BYU football, BYU basketball, Jazz basketball, track (whenever I can actually FIND it!), the Olympics, LDS General Conference, Biggest Loser, American Idol and the news. Sometimes we enjoy watching a Hallmark movie or some other momentary show or program (like The Sing Off, while BYU's Vocal Point was on there), but just not that often. All the other channels and all the other crappy programs......we just don't watch 'em. There's so much trash and junk on TV, so many commercials with scantily-clad women selling such unnecessary products......it's all such a waste of time and so degrading to everyone's spirit.

So why don't I just quit?! I WANT TO, yet there are those times that I really just want to sit down and watch a good football game, an exciting track meet, a warm and fuzzy Hallmark Christmas movie.

I have spent a good part of the morning on the phone with Comcast and on my computer looking at Dish network and DirecTV, Qwest (aka Century Link) phone and internet services, etc. Stewing. Wondering what to do. I've come up with nothing. No answer, that is.

In the meantime, while searching the internet, I came across the Jazz schedule. I wanted to get a couple of tickets to a Jazz game in March to see them play Sacramento Kings and our beloved Jimmer Fredette. $45 for the cheap seats! Are you KIDDING me?! Right! I'm gonna pay $90 to watch one basketball game! That just got me irritated, thinking about those guys making more in one game than my hard-working husband (who put in 60 hours with UPS last week......it's Christmas time) makes ALL YEAR. Oh, don't get me started.

Now I'm just feeling really ornery. Hmph.

Love is in the Air

2011-12-02T07:55:00.004-07:00

Sometimes my teenage son just makes me wanna pull out my hair! Oh, not because of the usual teenage boy stuff - messy room, broken curfew, apathetic grades in school, too much time spent in front of the computer or TV screen, etc. No. This kid pushes my buttons and, in all seriousness, keeps me awake at night because he's too hard on himself.

For fear of embarrassing him, I won't go into his thought processes or repeat things he's always saying, but just know that as a parent, I find it frustrating and sometimes worrisome, as it isn't reality based. This is a kid who is loaded with talent in music, academics, running and social settings. He's also a very spiritually and emotionally sensitive young man. Tender hearted, thoughtful in the real sense of the word and responsible.

So I was thrilled with the feedback we both received the other night at parent-teacher conferences at the high school. We were walking down the hall toward the gym - where the teachers all were - and one of the assistant principals called us over to talk. I don't know him well, didn't know he knew Jonah and I belonged together, and wondered what in the world he needed to discuss with us. It's not like my kid is one who spends time in detention or anything :)

I guess Mr. Ashton is in charge of some in-school music club that Jonah joined. Our school requires every student to attend a club meeting each week (or maybe it's every other week) and they hold that meeting during the school day. They don't mind if you switch around and try different things; they just want everyone to get involved. Well, Jonah decided to check out this club, even though it ended up being completely different than he'd expected. It was full of hard-core guys who play hard rock music in garage bands. You know the type. Not Jonah. I'm surprised he went the next week. He doesn't love feeling out of his element.

Anyway.

Mr. Ashton briefly told me about a recent club meeting in which he invited Jonah to come up and play something on the piano. Jonah went up in front of his peers, in front of these particular young men, and what did he play? He sat down and played (and sang) a song he's recently written. It's a beautiful song that expresses his struggle to know that God loves him. Some of the lyrics talk about always doing what he thinks he should, but still not being sure. By the end of the song, he states that now he knows. (I wish he'd put this on his computer already, so I could include the lyrics for you.)

Mr. Ashton then went on to say - and he seemed to be somewhat emotional about this - that this group of young men, at first, were noisy and kinda poking fun at Jonah's song. But he said they quickly settled down and the room was silent and "you could really feel the spirit in there." He told me I have an amazing young man for a son and then he turned to Jonah and said, "Thank you for being willing, for being unashamed to share your beliefs and your testimony. You're going to be a great missionary some day." He looked Jonah right in the eyes and spoke with such sincerity and power, it gave me goose bumps.

It was one of those moments. Those unexpectedly wonderful mama moments when someone else sees and validates your child for who they really are. One of those moments when someone takes the time to give your child some much-needed heart-warming feedback. It meant so much to Jonah and it meant the world to me! We left that interaction uplifted.

I sent an email to that assistant principal and thanked him for taking the time to share his feelings with us about that experience, for giving my child such heartfelt positive feedback. As I've said before, so many times we think to say encouraging or complimentary things to others, but we withhold. We need to quit doing that. We have no idea how our kind, sincere words can lift another's spirit that day. We don't know how much it will mean to a concerned, tired mother or to a struggling young man.

And as for Jonah......he wasn't afraid. He didn't let that group intimidate or keep him from sharing his feelings, his beliefs, himself. I'm so proud of him for standing up for something. We all need to bravely stand up for what we feel is right, for what we believe.

It's the second day of December and Christmas is in the air! Let me just say that I love this time of year. This time of giving. But I love receiving, too. I love receiving the gift of the Atonement that Christ offers me. I welcome the celebration of His birth and look forward to feeling an abundance of His love this season.

Birthday Blahs

2011-11-29T16:35:00.002-07:00

Am I the only one who basically hates her birthday each year? It's not because I'm getting older - although when I look in the mirror, that becomes more evident to me all the time - it's because I can't keep from assessing myself. And, of course, whenever I do that, I always seem to give myself a bad grade. I'm a tough, tough teacher......very demanding. Oh, every once in a while I might grade on the curve, but not usually. Because I know that I've been taught what I need to know and because I know what I'm capable of, I expect a lot.

Yep....basically I get to the evening of the 28th and I find myself just wishing I could sleep through the next day and wake up on the 30th!

I think the other reason I struggle with my birthday is because I feel like it's a day where certain people feel obligated to call me or pay me some attention somehow, even if they don't really feel a strong affinity for me. Ya know? The obligatory phone call to wish me Happy Birthday or the obligatory birthday card with nothing personal written in it, cuz they frankly don't know what to say. I just hate being on the receiving end of obligation. On the other hand, I have had some sweet moments today where I have felt very loved. Thank you for that.

Anyway. It's my birthday and I'm 46.

It's To-Now!

2011-11-27T10:57:00.003-07:00

I watched Music and the Spoken Word this morning. First time since not making the Tabernacle Choir. It was a little hard for me, if I'm being honest, especially when they sang songs/arrangements that I know.

As I've contemplated not getting in and whether to try again this next year, I have gone back and forth in my decision. Sometimes I tell myself it's too demanding, too time consuming to be a member of that choir and that I shouldn't do it. But then other times, I tell myself it will be well worth the sacrifice in time and energy.

This morning, I felt once again, that although it would require much of my time, it would reward me with musical highs and spiritual blessings. And I feel I have an obligation to repay the Lord for giving me the musical gifts I possess in the first place. We are given gifts and talents for the purpose of sharing them with others, not just hogging them to ourselves.

During Music and the Spoken Word, Lloyd Newell spoke of the need to slow down at this busy time of year. He said children have the right idea. They enjoy the journey to Christmas - the excitement of the Nativity calendar, the making of Christmas goodies, decorating the tree, putting up the lights, wrapping presents, singing carols. As adults, we get too caught up in the stress of shopping, the running here and there, wanting everything to be perfect. But perfect is so overrated. Like the little girl said: It's not to-morrow. It's not to-day. It's to-now! Like children, we need to enjoy all those little things, the small moments comprising the journey to Christmas. Each song, each Christmas movie, each thoughtful gift picked out and wrapped, each ornament, each traditional family recipe. Whether it be the annual trip to see The Nutcracker or the mess made in the kitchen while baking sugar cookies and making fudge.......let it be done with JOY.

You know.......I'm talking to myself here. I'm not always so good at enjoying the moment, enjoying the journey to get where I want to go. But today, today I am feeling prompted (by that program) to slow down and do just that. Enjoy each moment of this next month's celebrations and remember DAILY why we are even celebrating such a holiday. If I can remember, I will find JOY.

Strait is the Gate

2011-11-26T15:44:00.003-07:00

Straight vs. strait. They're not the same, you know. Everyone knows what straight means: getting from here to there in one direction free from curves, bends or turns. And most people know what a strait is: a narrow channel of water connecting two large bodies of water. And as you can see from my picture of the Straight of Magellan above, you will see that it, in fact, is not moving in a straight line.

I just attended a baptism. The woman being baptized is around 70 years old and is the mother of a good friend of ours. Her son (and a daughter) are members of the LDS Church, but she and her husband never joined the church. Until now. Her husband passed away about a year ago and she moved out here to Utah to be closer to her children and grandchildren. And today, with friends and family supporting her, she was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Her son-in-law referred to the following scripture in Matthew 7:

13. Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat;

14. Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

Entering into this "gate" refers to baptism and being willing to take upon you the name of Christ. And like the Strait of Magellan, the way isn't necessarily straight. Like our friend's mom's journey to this moment......our journey through life; our journey to find, and accept, God and His teachings in our life is full of stops and starts, twists and turns and maybe even some momentary dead-ends. It's not a perfect, straight shot from here to there.

Being a follower of Christ isn't always easy. It requires much sacrifice of time, energy and desire for things that the world says are important or must have's. Followers of Christ oftentimes endure ridicule, intolerance and sometimes, even hatred. There are those who don't like to be around good people who believe in, and follow, God. It makes them uncomfortable. It makes them uncomfortable, because they aren't following that little voice inside of them that says the strait and narrow path is the way.

It's easy to get through a wide gate and easy to walk down a broad path. Lots of people can fit. But if you're trying to go through a narrow gate and stay on a narrow, possibly winding, path, oftentimes you have to travel alone - or at least one at a time. No room for the masses there. It requires a concentration and care that a lot of people don't wanna give.

I don't care if I'm different. I don't care if everyone around me is watching things, reading things, talking about things, doing things or wearing things that I don't watch, read, talk about, do or wear - and if they think I'm lame because of it. I could care less. I've chosen to enter into that strait gate and to do my best to stay on that narrow path.

What is your choice?

The Healer's Art

2011-11-20T20:18:00.002-07:00

I would be my brother's keeper

I would learn the healer's art

To the wounded and the weary

I would show a gentle heart.

I would be my brother's keeper

Lord, I would follow Thee.

Those are the words from the third verse of Hymn #220, Lord, I Would Follow Thee. They were recited during a talk that was given at church today. The speaker asked, "So what, exactly, is the healer's art?"

He gave insight into the answer to that question by quoting Jacob 2:8 - And it supposeth me that they have come up hither to hear the pleasing word of God, yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul. Healing, he said, comes through being taught, and embracing, the truth. Healing comes through hearing and accepting the word of God, specifically that Christ atoned for our sins, our heartaches, our emptiness. And the healer's art is that gift of being able to teach others this truth. Many people can share information and expound knowledge, but there are those who have a gift that goes beyond mere teaching of principles and truths. There are those who are gifted in the healer's art. Those who share that information, knowledge and truth with such compassion, such honesty and spirit to where it really touches others and invites them to partake for themselves. Heart speaking to heart.

As I sat there and listened, it was impossible not to think about the new church "job" I was asked just today to accept. It involves teaching - sometimes youth, sometimes adults. I am excited about it. This message, then, was very timely for me, as I contemplated the lives, the individuals that I have the opportunity to teach. I want to be blessed with the healer's art. I want to be in tune to what those I teach need to hear, what their spirits are crying out for. The word of God - and living by that word - heals souls. And having the opportunity to teach the message.....that's something we all have, whether it be formally in church jobs, or in our homes, at work or through our everyday interactions with others.

Scary-Movie Music

2011-11-16T08:03:00.002-07:00

Ha Ha Ha! Last night Lyle and I read another chapter in our book The Well by Mark Hall, lead singer for Casting Crowns. I laugh, because his analogy to teach a concept was so very clever and the way he worded things.....what a crack up! I just gotta share.

He talked about horror flicks......how the characters in horror movies are the dumbest people on the planet, because they never see the obvious about to happen, nor do they listen to any kind of inner gut feeling, nor use any common sense. Example: A teenage girl hears the announcement that an ax-murderer has escaped from the loony bin and is in her neighborhood. All residents are warned. Her parents are out of town, but she chooses to go home to an empty house ANYWAY. Why? Because she's dumb. She walks into her house, flips on the light switch, but the power is out. Does she use any common sense and go to a neighbor's? No! She thinks, "You know, I'm sixteen; I'm a cheerleader; I should go down to the fuse box in the cellar and try to rewire the house." Because it just makes sense to do that, right? Ha Ha! And then she makes dumb, dangerous decision after dumb, dangerous decision while we all watch.

Mostly, however, Mark talked about the music in horror flicks. Just follow the music! When the music builds, you know things are getting bad and the person shouldn't open that door, shouldn't go into the house or they're "going to get dead." But, says Mark, "the people in the movie never hear their own music and it leaves them in great peril." And you can see the great analogy coming....

We believers sometimes act like scary movie people. We literally have God in us, and yet we still do some of the dumbest things. Here I am, saved by the shed blood of my Savior, and I'm still a doofus. I'll do something I shouldn't do and then go to the altar and pray about it, and the next week I go right back and do the same thing I just prayed about. And then I'll do it again. And again.

And then he asks, "Wouldn't it be cool if we could have theme music to help us?"

He gives the example of going to a job interview where they love you! They offer you a job that you're just so thrilled about. It comes with a huge raise and the kinds of perks you've always wanted - a company car, 4 weeks of paid vacation, a bonus structure that will help you to retire early. But then the boss says, "You'll have to work most Sundays. We'll try our best to make sure you have a few Sundays off, but...."

Cue the shower scene music from Psycho. If you heard that music, you'd think, "Okay, I can't let all my priorities get out of whack here. The music is playing. That tells me not to do the wrong thing. I can't take the job and impact my family's spiritual life like that." Yes, the music would help.

And then he asks why God hasn't given us this music. If he would just give us this music, then we could be forewarned in any situation.

Guess what? He did! We do have scary-movie theme music that warns us not to go down to the cellar. It lets us know to stay in the closet, because something awful is waiting outside. It tells us to be careful in all situations.

The Holy Spirit is our theme music.

Our loving Heavenly Father has put a part of Himself within each of us. He has given us His spirit and His spirit will warn us when there is danger, whether physical or spiritual in nature. If we're smart enough to listen to the theme music within our life's movie, listen to the Spirit God endowed us with, we can be warned, protected and directed.

The Post With No Name

2011-11-08T10:57:00.005-07:00

I was thinking last night about how easy it is to look like you're a successful parent when you have great kids. When your kids aren't openly rebellious or wayward; when they are involved in good things like sports, music, school, work, scouting, church; and when they surround themselves with good friends it's easy to believe others, or to tell yourself, that your kids are fine and developing into healthy people and that you're doing a good job as a parent.

But I wonder if we always see what's underneath those surface behaviors? Those outside trappings? Because you can keep your nose clean, be part of a team, play the tuba, get good grades, have a part-time job, be an Eagle scout, go to church, seminary and young men's/women's activities and have lots of good friends and still be struggling within. Humans are SO GOOD at covering up, do we really know what's going on inside our kids? Do we know their insecurities, their hurts, their fears, their temptations or struggles?

I look at my own parenting and at my own children and ask myself those questions. My job is to nurture my children. To offer them a safe emotional place in life. To be their #1 cheerleader. They are nearly grown up now and have I been successful at my job? Just because, on the outside, they look really good, are they happy, confident and okay inside?

I know I have offered them a lot - a lot of love, affection, right counsel, help, good times. But I also know I have offered them way too much criticism or negative feedback, found fault at too many little things, withheld my approval. Our kids want straight A's - our Approval, Acceptance and Affection. Are we too conditional in offering those things to them?

When I see one of my children beating themselves up, expecting perfection, acting overly anxious or fearful, lacking confidence, feeling overwhelmed or covering their real emotions with something they think is socially acceptable, I just ache inside and can't help but feel that I am somewhat to blame for this occurrence.

I have been accused of having perfect children that "must be SO EASY to parent!" and of being a candidate for Mother of the Year. Neither are reality based. My children are not perfect and they aren't simple to parent, nor am I some Mother-of-the-Year mother! My kids are awesome, it's true, but they have faults and struggles and doubts and I, as their mother, had something to do with that.

Just make sure we acknowledge our parenting mistakes with our children. Make sure we apologize and that we're actively seeking and doing something to be better next time. And don't settle for the surface with your kids. Dig deep. Find out what's going on underneath it all. Listen. A lot.

Anyway. I was thinking about this last night and it was with me again this morning, so I felt like sharing it. Maybe someone needed to hear.

Recap of a Quick Trip

2011-11-06T10:34:00.005-07:00

Friday I picked Jonah up from school and we drove down to Cedar City to get Kelsie, then on down to Hurricane to stay with my aunt and uncle. Kelsie was racing the next morning in the Snow Canyon Half Marathon in St. George and we were there to be her cheerleaders :) It was so good to be with BOTH my kids again!

Aunt Lois had prepared dinner for us, then we went downstairs and thoroughly enjoyed singing at the top of our lungs (and doing dance moves) as Jonah "played" the old player piano. Five Foot Two was our best number, if I do say so myself! I was very disappointed that we couldn't do The Alley Cat (the hook on the end of the music was torn off), because I have fond childhood memories of playing that song over and over. My cousin Rachel showed up and played a couple rounds of Ticket to Ride with Kelsie and I, while Jonah stayed downstairs and entertained Aunt Lois on the piano. It was just a nice evening with family.

This was Kelsie's second half marathon, but her first serious one. Her first half was the Midnight Half, which is SUCH a party! The goal is completely different than running for time. Instead, you try to be the first over the finish line at midnight. You can't wear a watch or have anyone pace you. There's someone to start people at a designated time up the canyon - based on how long you think it will take you to run it - but once you start at that time, you're on your own to listen to your body's rhythm and pace. It's a blast! People just run, they don't race. But this.....this was a real half and Kelsie was eager to see what she could do.

Well.......she kicked it out! She beat her mama's best time by two minutes (course, that IS as a 40-something-year-old) and took 20 minutes off her Midnight Half time. She was really excited and I was so proud of her! Her roommate Ruth had never run more than 8 miles in her life and she also raced. She came in under 2 hours, which is a great feat for your first half. It was fun to be around their contagious energy and enthusiasm.

The rest of the day was spent visiting with family, going to lunch, seeing my cousin's new home, playing games. Without sharing the specifics, let me just say that as we drove out of Hurricane and back up to Cedar to drop Kelsie off at her college apartment, I was busy analyzing myself. I know........a regular pastime of mine, right? I was stewing over a couple of things and was feeling like I hadn't said or done the best thing at the time. It's so hard when desire and reality don't jive. When you, overall, have the desire to be a certain type of person, but in some real moments, you don't measure up. That's kinda what happened for me yesterday in a couple of instances. I called and texted to take care of it, which made me feel better, but I still pondered my attitudes about certain things.

I WANT to be a person that others really enjoy being around. Someone who causes others to feel better about themselves or about their lives after being with me. Someone who pays sincere compliments, who overlooks annoyances, who is tolerant and encouraging. That's the desire. The reality, however, doesn't always look like that and I know there are those who would say it rarely looks like that! Criticism, analyzing, openly sharing opinions that should be kept to myself, black and white rules and principles........those are characteristics that plague me. And all I can do is apologize and keep plugging away!

End of discouraging confession.

The drive home was most pleasant. Just my boy and I. Instead of the usual music, he read his book (an assigned novel for AP Language & Composition) aloud to me and we were very engrossed. He and I......we love to talk. Love to find meaning in our reading. So time passed quickly as he read, I listened, and we discussed. Then, instead of stopping somewhere for dinner, we stopped and just got treats! We ordered fries, onion rings and shakes. It was fun :) And somewhere in all that interaction, Jonah quietly slipped in an "I love you, Mom."

A quick trip, but a really enjoyable one and the weather TOTALLY cooperated. It was windy and chilly, but dry and beautiful. But best of all.......this Mama was with BOTH her kids. Gosh! I love those two! They are so different, but each offers so much and both bring me so much joy! Yay for moms adoring their kids! Yay for kids loving their mamas!

Belly-Flop Guy

2011-11-04T08:40:00.002-06:00

Lyle and I are reading a book together. It's written by Mark Hall, the lead singer (and songwriter) for Casting Crowns, the awesome Christian group we saw last month. The book is entitled The Well: Why Are So Many Still Thirsty?

Last night I read aloud Chapter 4 - Belly-Flop Guy: The Hole of Approval while Lyle, unfortunately, fell asleep. This is a great chapter and one that I didn't think applied to me as much as I realized last night that it does. It was one of those moments where I went into it thinking Oh, here's a message for Lyle, cuz he's one who, admittedly, has always been extremely concerned with pleasing others and seeking their approval. I, on the other hand, am seen (and have usually seen myself) as someone who doesn't worry so much what others think.

WELL. I am fooling myself no longer.

The chapter started off with a story about a young, "husky" man who happened to do a belly flop in front of a group of peers. It hurt. A lot. But when it was his turn again to go off the diving board, instead of trying to redeem himself (as was likely his plan), he gave in to the pressure and attention of those same peers who were now chanting "Belly flop! Belly flop! Belly flop!" and he performed as requested. Not just once more, but many times more, until, hours later, his body was still red (and on its way to bruising) because of it. According to the author, this young man "dip[ped] into the Hole of Approval....in the middle of a pool full of water."

The whole book is about the empty holes we draw from instead of drawing from the living water, or The Well that is Jesus Christ, and this chapter dealt specifically with the Hole of Approval. Mark points to Philippians 2: 1-4 and although he is using a different set of scriptures than the King James version of the Bible that I use, the message is the same: If we have experienced encouragement from being united with Christ, we don't need encouragement from people. Frankly, he says, people can't handle the job, can't handle being the source of our encouragement and love. They weren't made for that; Christ was. Mark says: If we're encouraged from being united with Christ, then we shouldn't do anything out of selfish ambition or vain conceit because we don't have to. Conceit and selfish ambition come from an empty person, someone who relies on the opinions and approval of others, someone who tries to draw from the Hole of Approval.

As I read this last night, I thought about my singing in particular. Obviously, that has been a source of much reflection lately. Even though I went into that audition process telling myself that I would come out of it - regardless of the results - without putting myself or my voice down, I wasn't totally successful. I said I wouldn't allow the thoughts of not good enough or unworthy to attach themselves to me. But lo and behold! a sense of that did follow the Final Letter. And then when I didn't get the solo in small ensemble, that sense of not good enough built up a little more steam. So, a couple of days ago, when my director asked if I would prepare a full solo - separate from a choir piece - for the program, I balked. I said I didn't really want to. And why? Honestly? Because I thought he was just pacifying me. I told myself He doesn't really like my voice and He doesn't really care if I sing something. So my desire (my pride) in wanting his approval, but feeling that I wasn't really getting it, pushed me to say I'd rather not.

Hmmmm. Thankfully, a day later, I remembered what I'd told myself I need to do to better prepare for next year's MoTab audition........that is, put myself in nerve-wracking vocal situations where I have to come up against my fears. And then after reading this last night, I also realize that I need to sing LESS for others and MORE in joy and gratitude to God. I don't want to dip into the Hole of Approval when I can successfully draw from The Well. God gave me my voice, my talents, and He is pleased when I gratefully accept and share.

So how do we overcome this tendency to dip from the Hole of Approval? The author says the key is to focus on the one opinion that matters. God's. He says that we need to take God at his word and believe the Voice of Truth that tells us:

* we can let go of past sins and weaknesses of character and become new creatures in Him (2 Corinthians 5:17)

* we are the children of God (John 1:12)

* we are partakers of the divine nature (2 Peter 1:4)

* in the end, we are judged, and loved, by what's on the inside (1 Samuel 16:7)

* when we desire it and are ready, He will give us a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26-27)

* we are the temples of God and His spirit dwells within us (1 Corinthians 3:16)

and so on. We dip from this Hole that is full of inaccuracies, false beliefs, wrongful judgments and unnecessary approval, when we ought to believe the Truth. The Voice of Truth tells a different story about us. What's true about you is what God says about you. Not what your mirror says. Not what your past says. Not what any person says.

The Voice of Truth reminds us the opinions of others are important, but not gospel. They can support, but not dictate. The Voice of Truth reminds us the approval of others is nice, but not essential. Approval can inspire, but never fulfill.

Singing Update and Other Stuff

2011-10-26T17:23:00.003-06:00

So, I figured I ought to update you on how I'm feeling about the MoTab audition "No" and what my plans are now. As you could read from my two Saturday posts, it was a really hard weekend for me. I was so emotional, crying at any thought or reminder of what I would be missing out on by not getting into the Choir. I really felt discombobulated, for lack of a better word. It was so much more than just the loss of membership in the Choir. It almost has felt like a bit of a loss of identity regarding what do I do with myself now? I have too much time on my hands and nothing really difficult or passionate to sink my teeth into. And like I mentioned, it was somewhat shaking to my faith - as far as my ability to recognize inspiration and Divine direction. I knew, however, even as I typed my posts, that it would pass and all would be well with me. I am resilient and I can do hard things.

I am feeling better today and I know what I want, as far as singing. Last night I went to my small ensemble rehearsal and just dug into the music and enjoyed the friendships there. We sight read some new pieces, which I always find enjoyable......even though my nerve-wracked sight reading is what got me in trouble in Salt Lake! And we sang my favorite piece we're doing, where I am asked to join Lynzi in singing 2nd soprano, another fun challenge for me. Then I listened to my mom and got brave enough to audition for the solo in Silent Night. I did it, not so much because I am just dying to sing a solo in front of 1200 people in December, but because I just needed to TRY and I needed to do it in front of my peers and my director, so I could begin my quest to get my nerves under control. Because, YES, I am going to try again for Mormon Tabernacle Choir next year. I have 9 months to prepare. Nine months to find more ways to deal with the nerves!

My plan includes taking a sight reading class at BYU and honing those skills, that interval training. I also plan on working with a voice teacher on my breath support and other general technique. But mostly, I realize my great weakness is in not knowing how to control my nerves well enough to sing up to my potential. My daughter would call it Test Anxiety and my son would call it Not Showing Up in a Race.

Also, in the meantime, I will continue singing with the Mapleton Chorale (and small ensemble). It's a great musical outlet and we have a good sound, a great director and accompanist and I enjoy some fun relationships there. I love the music our director selects and am happy for the opportunity to sing.

Other stuff: This afternoon I took 3 darling girls around the neighborhood collecting money for Pennies By the Inch, a volunteer service project to collect money for Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City. It's an annual fund raiser and the primary children in our church are asked to volunteer some time to collect funds. I was dreading it, to be honest. But I was surprised by Joy.

Those 3 young girls (ages 9-11) were full of so much positive energy and love and excitement for the task at hand. I heard, "It's my turn to do the talking." "Okay - you be the one to hand them the envelope and flyer." "I'll knock on the door and be the one to just smile and then tell them 'Thank you' at the end." They were adorable! They ran from house to house, so enthusiastic about collecting money for the families of these kids in the hospital. They giggled and smiled and just enjoyed the cool fall day. And all I could do was soak up their Joy. Their Innocence. It was wonderful.

Faceless Critics

2011-10-26T11:17:00.003-06:00

The world is full of critics. People who don't accept someone else's offering, whatever that is. There are people who even get paid to criticize others' work - food critics, book reviews, movie reviews, art critics. I think about that and I find it somewhat of a bad joke. One of the BEST Broadway musicals Lyle and I ever saw while we were in New York was a show that had a very brief run, not because it wasn't any good (there wasn't a weak voice on the stage!), but because it didn't get a good review from The Critics when it first opened. What a shame!

Why in the world do we let other people make such judgments for us? And why do they think they have a right to do so?

But this morning, I'm thinking more about those critics that walk among us. People who talk behind our backs, but never have the nerve or decency to come to us directly. People who expect others to fight their battles for them in their complaints and criticism, so they don't have to be exposed. People who seem to have nothing better to do than scrutinize others, looking for the worst. They will find it if they look hard enough. If they look with the right (wrong) kind of eyes, they'll find what they're looking for.

I wish the Faceless Critics would show their faces. The Nameless Critics would give their names. Or else keep quiet.

Attitude of Approach

2011-10-24T16:51:00.002-06:00

The title of today's post comes from the title of Chapter 2 in a book I just started yesterday. The chapter talks about one's approach, or response, to life's ups and downs. So much of our lives is out of our control - what comes to us, what we're given to begin with, how others respond to us. What we do have agency over is our Attitude of Approach. And that's unique for each individual and is based on so many things: filters we've put in place (maybe subconsciously) based on early-life experiences; our perspective; our internal dialogue (because words are very, very powerful, even if they're just internal conversations) and self concept; and even on how much power we give away vs. keep for ourselves.

I read that one's Attitude of Approach affects everything we do and feel and is a filter through which we view the world. It also powerfully influences how other people respond to us. The constant, internal dialogue going on within is so deeply ingrained in us and so well rehearsed that it's automatic and not always a conscious happening.

I thought about my Attitude of Approach to life and recognize that it is changing. I'm not all the way "healed" from my old Attitude of Approach - the one where I have put lots of filters and barriers in place, so I can protect myself. The one where I allow childhood judgments about people in general to continue on into my adult life. The one that tells me I need to stay in control so as to not be subject to the agenda or issues of others that would cause me harm. Basically, the Attitude of Approach that says life is painful, people are mean, dreams don't come true, you'll never be enough.

The new Attitude of Approach that I've been learning (some days better than others, for sure!) is that life is good, people's intentions are good so give them the benefit of the doubt, dreams can come true so keep working toward fulfilling those dreams, and I AM enough. My new desired Attitude of Approach allows me to let others in, lets God be my best friend and allows me to trust Him, shows appreciation and gratitude for tender mercies and blessings.

It's been pointed out to me, more than once, that my Attitude of Approach is offensive. The old one, that is. The one I'm trying to overcome. People like happy, positive, easy going people. They are uncomfortable with sad, negative, intense people. Although I know I have changed and grown so much in the past few years, I also know things like this aren't easily overcome overnight. All I can do is continue to apologize for being Me - imperfect. My emotions are intense, because my internal dialogue is intense. It's getting healthier, but I'm not all better yet. Some people trigger me more than others and I apologize if you are one of those people. I hope someday not to give my power away so much - to let my self worth and my choice of what matters at the moment be determined by, or be greatly influenced by, what others say or think about me. It's too vulnerable a position in which to live my life. Why? Because then how I feel about myself and my decisions is going to be a function, really, of how secure other people are! I could just doom myself to a life of constant criticism and judgment independent, sometimes, of what I even do!

Although it wasn't new information, what I read yesterday: If you let your self-esteem be determined by your critics, you will spend a lot of time sitting life out. You have to decide that everyone doesn't have to like you, understand you, agree with you, or want you to succeed in order for you to be okay. And unless you can really take that attitude of approach, you are vulnerable....was something I really needed to hear today.

P.S. to the Final Letter

2011-10-22T21:49:00.005-06:00

I meant to cry......to let all the held-in emotion escape. But I just wanted to mourn by myself and Jonah came home while I was still blogging (less than 5 minutes after I typed that no one was here). Although my door was shut, I still felt invaded. I know that sounds terrible - when it was my own son - but more often than not, I just need to cry and mourn on my own.

If I could have done that, I might feel some relief right now.....tonight. But I don't. I just feel all pent up. And I know it's all wrong, but I find myself feeling jealous of my husband and my son....just a little. I know neither of them understand what I'm feeling, because they've never tried out for ANYTHING musical that they haven't succeeded in doing. And the sight reading that my nerves ruined for me? Piece of cake for them! My son - last year as a sophomore - breezed through his AP Music class and, without even studying for it, got a 5 on all parts of his AP test at the end of the year. He takes after his dad with his ear. They just hear the keys, the notes, the intervals. So sight singing isn't an issue for them. Tonight it feels unfair and I can't help but feel less than when I'm surrounded by their musical genius.

Do you remember when I blogged about sitting in church when massive changes were being made in the jobs (or callings) that people in the congregation held? I was feeling very left out and very unimportant and unworthy of the leadership positions that were being filled. And then I had that warm feeling come over me that I am worthy - that it wasn't about that. And the next thought I had - which I've held onto - is that the reason I had been overlooked, or passed over, is because I was going to get into the Choir, and that was going to be my calling. Because that's the reality of being a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. You have to be released from your other church callings, as choir membership is VERY time consuming and you are set apart as a missionary for the Church. Being in the Choir is like being on a mission of sorts, and I already was seeing those opportunities coming into my life and was excited about the prospect of more.

So today's letter threw that perception completely out the window and left me with.......with what? Confusion. I feel confused by what I thought were answers and understanding. And let down by what I thought was something special to sink my teeth into. To put my heart and energy into. To fill the emptiness that having nearly-raised children is laying at my doorstep.

I want to crawl in a hole. Don't wanna go to church tomorrow and have to answer "no" to everyone's query. Don't wanna go to small ensemble rehearsal on Tuesday night and shake my head "no." Don't wanna go to Thursday night's Chorale rehearsal and hear that Kevin got in, while I have to admit I did not. And hear everyone's "I'm sorry, Jan" and their "You'll get in next time - I'm SURE of it!" I'm being rude in saying that, and frankly, it's my own fault for making this journey public, I know. But I just wanna crawl in a hole until it passes. Until everyone forgets about it.

Okay. I promise no more about it tonight. Hopefully no more about it tomorrow, right? I need to let it go and move forward......whatever "forward" means right now. I don't know which direction to go, but I do know I have a good life and a lot to be thankful for. I need to let it go.

The Final Letter

2011-10-22T17:05:00.004-06:00

Ten days ago I auditioned in person for Mack Wilberg and Ryan Murphy, directors of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It was the third and final phase of the audition process, and by far, the most nerve-wracking. As I already shared with you, I left that part of the audition process feeling that I had blown it. I had gone in with some quiet confidence, but came out feeling that it was mine to lose and I'd just lost it. We were told to expect our Final Letter in the mail "by the end of next week." The end of next week is today.

I spent the morning busily cleaning the house, doing laundry, reading the newspaper, going for a short, horrible run (I hurt the whole time), trying to keep my mind off the mail. BYU's home game was starting at 1:00 and I SO wanted the mail to come before we left, hoping the letter would even be there. I held off as long as I could, knowing that, as it was, we were going to miss part of the first quarter. If you know how much I love BYU football, you'll know just how anxious I was to hear the answer. At about 12:40, we finally walked out the door and I checked the mailbox one more time. Empty. Shoot!

Then Lyle said, "Let's just go look for the carrier before we head out. She can't be far." Sure enough, we found her just around the corner. Lyle walked over to her and asked if he could get our mail. I saw her hand him a few envelopes and I could see the one on the top was the same cream colored envelope all the other letters had come in. I knew it was here. My heart started pounding. As he walked back, he was smiling. But then he handed me the letter. It wasn't thick enough. I could tell it was a single sheet, maybe two. I opened all the other letters first, putting the one I'd been waiting for off a few more minutes.

Then I opened it.

Brief introduction, then: Regrettably, we are unable to extend an invitation to you to serve in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. My gut instinct had been correct. My nerves had gotten the best of me that day and I had blown my audition.

As expected (based upon my assessment of how I did that day), the feedback I received stated that I needed to improve my sight reading and my breath support and flow. Unexpectedly, however, there was no personal note from Dr. Wilberg, nor was there any encouragement to try again next year. It was very short and business like. And I'm not gonna lie.....it hurt. I had sung with Dr. Wilberg for 4 years while at BYU and those days in choir were some of the best! I love and respect the man. He is humble, yet gifted beyond measure. I love his dry sense of humor and have fond memories of his lecturing me on those Fridays where we had a home game that weekend. He'd point up at me at the end of rehearsal and say, "Don't. Yell." I wanted so much to sing with him again.

I didn't cry. Lyle was there. We were on our way to the game, where my cousin and her family would be, along with 60,000+ other BYU fans. I stuffed all the emotion I was feeling. But as I sat and stared at the field, not paying attention to the game that I love, I hid behind my sunglasses and let myself feel........ just a little bit. As my eyes filled with tears, I shut off the emotion again and didn't allow it to come out until right now. No one is home and now I can start to process what's going on inside me.

It's an understatement to say that I feel really sad. Disappointed. Discouraged. I feel like I really let myself down by not showing up that day. By not having enough faith and peace within to calm my nerves. It's not that the sight reading was too difficult for me. Really, it wasn't. Nor did I feel that I sang poorly, as far as the tone or quality of my voice. I honestly walked in there feeling like I was ready and that I was good enough. And for me, that was HUGE. It wasn't beyond me, too big for me. It's just that I couldn't control my nerves, so everything right could shine through.

I also feel like I've let everyone else down, all the people who have been emotionally invested in my success. It makes me feel like I need to go around and apologize to each person. But I know that's not right, so I won't.

I don't know what to do now. All of a sudden, Mapleton Chorale feels like a let down, and we're really a good group so that's not fair. And I have a feeling that my fellow Chorale member who also made it to the third phase will get in, so when we both show up at our next rehearsal, I will feel particularly bad. Happy for him, but looking-at-the-ground for myself. That will be tough. I know it's less competitive for men to get in the Choir, but still.

I know I said that if I didn't get in (and I was warned that it usually takes a few tries to be successful) I would try again next year, but right now I'm not feeling too good about that. I don't feel that I was offered any encouragement to do so and the thought of going through all that again makes me wanna puke. Do I just finally pursue my Master's? The application deadline for that is in January. Do I take voice lessons for the next year, along with a sight reading class at BYU, and try again in July (assuming they even have opening for altos)? Something entirely different? What does God have in store for me?

Wow. I wanted it so badly. And I really believed it could happen, no matter what I said to everyone. Once that first approval letter came, I became hopeful. When the second approval letter came after The Test, I really started to believe. I am devastated.

No, I'm not devastated. I just looked up the definition and I'm really not that. I don't feel ruined, nor am I in a total state of grief. I experienced that when my dad died, but this can't compare. I am grieving a loss for sure. That I won't deny. But I'll be okay once I figure it out.

Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it anymore today. Just knew I needed to let you all know. So many have been waiting to hear. And I wanted to thank you. Thank you for your support. Your excitement. Your belief in me. I love you all :)

Jan

Courageous

2011-10-21T22:14:00.001-06:00

We just got home from seeing one of the best movies I've ever seen! Not because it had the most experienced actors or the biggest budget, but because it had one of the BEST messages out there. There are so many Hollywood movies that are the biggest waste of time and money to see. They're hollow, full of empty messages and meanings. They're full of vulgarity, immorality and worldliness. This movie truly uplifted and inspired. I can't wait until it comes out on DVD so I can own it. Maybe I should buy multiple copies and give it as a gift to people I pass on the street! :)

I would tell you about it, but I want you to see it, so I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Oh - and P.S.......stay until the end of the credits, so you can hear the title song by none other than the Casting Crowns - ya know, the AWESOME Christian group Lyle and I saw in concert a couple weeks ago.

Courageous: The Movie

They Saw it All That Day

2011-10-20T18:09:00.002-06:00

Many of you may have heard about the local tragedy suffered here last Saturday. Three teenage girls were taking pictures on the train tracks near their home in Spanish Fork Canyon when the wind created by some passing trains blew the girls onto the tracks/into the trains. Two were killed instantly and the third girl died two nights ago.

Jonah went to school with one of the girls, but didn't know her well. Nevertheless, the student body was pretty shaken up. Many people around town were talking about the senseless behavior of these girls.....risking their lives by being on the tracks in the first place.

I was directed to their mother's blog yesterday and this is what she wrote about such judgments:

Playing on train tracks sounds like a silly thing to do, but not to these girls. It was a beautiful fall day in the canyon, the leaves were starting to change colors, the sun was getting ready to set and the three musketeers had their cameras in hand. ...In their innocence, they found joy and they found pain. There are a lot of what ifs....But we can spend every day of our lives hiding in our homes, hoping to avoid tragedy and heartache, but when it comes down to it, what we'll lose is the opportunity to experience this beautiful life that God has blessed us with - to see the canyon in the fall, to hear the birds overhead and the sound of a running stream. They saw it all that day. My girls did not hide from life. They lived every day with excitement and purpose....Let their smiles remind us to welcome life openly. When your heart hurts, remember, they saw it all that day.

I read that and was very impressed at this mother's finding comfort in the fact that her daughters' lives ended while doing something that brought them joy - being with each other and a good friend, surrounded by the beauty of the earth, happy to be alive. So many people, so many parents, are so overprotective and paranoid that they raise children who are afraid to get out and try things. They're afraid to ride a bike without a helmet, climb a tree, jump on a trampoline without nets surrounding them, go skiing. They can't walk to a friend's house or stay up late at a slumber party. They're so afraid of getting hurt, of failing, of living.

My son fractured his skull at age 2 1/2, because he was climbing up a fence, looking over at some new pups. He was all boy, enjoying the dirt and climbing and petting animals. Yes, it was a serious accident, but I'm glad he was with his dad having fun and not just holed up in the house with a Nintendo. I fell out of a tree when I was young, knocking the wind out of me; fell off the jungle gym at school and broke my arm in two places; crashed BIG TIME skiing down the slopes at Sundance when I was in college, cutting up my face. But I was living. Doing. Enjoying.

And on a completely different note, one last thought that I have been thinking since hearing this last night: Two men prayed for rain, but only one of them went out and prepared his field. Think about that. We ask God to help us with something, to give us something, but then we just stand around waiting for it to happen. We don't do our part; we don't then show our faith that He will respond. We don't prepare our field.

Celebrating Jonah

2011-10-18T13:10:00.009-06:00

Tomorrow my youngest, Jonah, turns 17. He came into this world 6 weeks early, weighing just 3 lbs. 9 oz. But he was so strong, so healthy, so doggone cute. And he still is......still strong, healthy and doggone cute!

On the night he was born, his big sister Kelsie (age 2 1/2) was staying at Grandma Leavitt's and in the middle of playing, she suddenly stopped, got serious, folded her little arms and said, "Bless Mommy to come home. Bless Daddy to come home. Bless Jonah to be born." Even before he got here, Jonah was adored by his big sister. She used to pat my stomach and tell everyone that Jonah was inside and she could hardly wait for him to come play with her. She never once was jealous - we never saw one minute of sibling rivalry out of her. She looked after him, helped me care for him, "read" stories to him, shared with him. Even as Jonah grew up and received lots of attention for his exceptional musical abilities, Kelsie was nothing but proud of her little brother. They are the best of friends! No brother could ask for a more loving and supportive big sister.

When Jonah was 2 1/2, he fell and fractured his skull and spent nearly a week in Intensive Care. Come to find out, the emergency personnel involved didn't think Jonah would make it through that first night. I am always grateful that God preserved his life that day and as I watch him grow and develop and see how many lives he touches for good, I know why.

As a kid, Jonah loved to play with his dump trucks in the sand box. He loved building with Legos and Lincoln Logs, blocks and Knex. He loved riding his bike and building forts. He wanted to be an astronaut, until I told him that would scare me too much for him to fly into space. Nowadays, he wants to be an engineer or an ophthalmologist. The truth is: Jonah can be whatever he sets his mind to being. He has all the ability in the world to succeed at whatever he desires.

Jonah has so many varied talents and gifts. He's been very blessed by God. But I don't want to talk about all those obvious talents that people see. I want to tell you about my boy, who he really is.

Jonah has a tender heart. He is kind and sensitive. He befriends those who are overlooked and wants to include them. He notices the beauty around him and thanks Heavenly Father for creating it. He's polite - he says "thank you" for dinner, "bless you" when I sneeze and he opens the door for me and for all young ladies or women. He is sweet and tender with his grandmother - helping her out of the car, carrying her things into the house, bending way down to give her a hug and kiss on her cheek. He is a hard worker, just like his dad and his grandpas. He is smart, a real thinker; he wants to understand. He is willing to share his thoughts and feelings - He doesn't shut us out, even when he's really upset. He honors the Priesthood that he holds and when he's done something he knows is wrong, he correct it and puts himself right with God again.

A lot of people look up to Jonah and a lot of fine young ladies seek his attention and company. Not because he's a great runner or because he composes and plays beautiful music or even because he has straight A's in school. Those things are all noteworthy and admirable, but people care about Jonah because he's a nice kid. And he's a good kid. His heart is right.

Happy Birthday, my son! YOU ARE LOVED!!!

Audition Day

2011-10-13T10:03:00.003-06:00

I don't even know where to begin. Yesterday was the culmination of this 3-month-long audition process to get into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Actually, there's a 4th phase (the choir school and chorale), but for all intents and purposes if you make it past the first three phases, you've already made it in. I kept telling everyone that I was just looking forward to getting Wednesday over with, one way or the other, because it was so taxing. Well, now that Wednesday is finished, I'm not sure I can agree with myself. I have mixed feelings today. I AM relieved to be done - to not have to worry about practicing every day and to do what I could to keep from over-singing and getting hoarse. In that sense, I feel carefree today. On the other hand, I have a sinking feeling that I didn't do well enough yesterday to get in. And the thought that I could be done, that yesterday was my last chance to convince them I am ready and good enough to be part of their choir......well, that just makes me feel sad, because I don't think I accomplished that. I don't feel I sang or sightread up to my ability, certainly not at the level I prepared. I worked so hard to prepare for that moment - and not just in the past 3 months - but it was definitely the most nerve-wracking of the entire process and there were moments that my brain just seemed to shut down and moments where my breath support lacked. The nervous system is a powerful system that can control everything about a moment like that.

The thing that makes me crazy is that I felt so GOOD yesterday! I felt ready, even excited! I'd had a good 4-mile run in the most beautiful, sunshiny Fall day with the most loving and loyal dog by my side, and I was pumped up! I warmed up and sang through my song a few times in the car as I traveled to Salt Lake and I felt quietly confident. Getting there early, I just spent some time sitting in the sun, looking at the beautiful Salt Lake temple where Lyle and I were married (sealed) 20 years ago, and I felt really relaxed and calm. Even when I went inside and filled out the paperwork, when I interviewed with the choir president and general manager, and as I was escorted down the hall and into the room where both directors (and a faculty member of the choir school) and the accompanist (Tabernacle Choir organist Bonnie Goodliffe) were, I didn't feel nervous. I thought, "All the prayers people are offering in my behalf and the fasting that is going on by some family members is working, because I'm not scared." But somewhere in the middle of my song, I lost that. Not consciously, but as I got to the end of the hymn and found that I didn't have the breath support I needed to finish off that final phrase, it became conscious.

The sight reading wasn't as difficult, or as lengthy, as I was expecting. It started with sight reading my part (alto) of an unfamiliar hymn, while the other parts were played on the piano. Not difficult, yet I didn't do it perfectly. Then came a handful of phrases that I had to sight sing unaccompanied. Bonnie gave me my starting pitch and off I went. At first, I did well. Then I got to a phrase that began with the simplest of intervals, but for the life of me, I couldn't hear it! I just kept hearing the minor key I had just sight read and it wouldn't leave my brain! I couldn't hear that simple SIMPLE major 2nd to save my life and it was SO frustrating and discouraging! I kept singing a minor 3rd, stopping to correct myself, singing the same minor 3rd, stopping and apologizing. They finally had me go on to the next phrase, which began with an augmented 4th and guess what? I couldn't hear it. I went on to the next couple of phrases, which I sang just fine. Then they had me go back to the two I messed up and I (think) I sang them right. I did some more sight reading, but to tell you the truth, I don't really know whether it was right or wrong. At that point, I felt like I wasn't all there. I don't know how to explain that, but sitting outside after, I just felt like I hadn't been fully present in the audition - that I was kinda numb and disengaged. And I realized that I'd felt alone in there. I had expected to feel God's spirit with me, my dad's spirit with me, and feel the comfort and support of all my friends and family who I knew were praying for me. But I felt alone - like everyone I just mentioned had deserted me. And I don't know why.

So that's why today I feel like I blew it, because I feel like it was just me there. And "just me" isn't good enough to get in on my own. I needed God. I needed my dad. I needed my husband and my mother and my children and my brother and sisters and friends. I feel like it was mine to lose and I lost it.

Which brings me to my overwhelming feeling of letting everyone down. In sharing my experience, my dream chasing with all of you, and hearing of everyone's excitement about it and having so many people supporting and encouraging me, so convinced that I'd get in, I feel that I've let you all down. Yesterday I had so many phone calls, texts, emails, facebook messages cheering me on. I had two wonderful friends, Cynthia and JoLene (the Queen) show up at my home with happy balloons, treats and the most perfectly sweet card: Amazing Women: Little Red Riding Hood - the first woman who ran with the wolves...Cinderella - the first woman to popularize the 'total make-over' phenomenon...The Little Mermaid - the first woman to swim the English Channel, underwater...Sleeping Beauty - the first woman to research the benefits of beauty rest...And speaking of AMAZING women - you go, Girl! (I know 'amazing' when I see it!) And then my dear friend Amy treated me to a Thai lunch. It felt so wonderful to feel so loved. And though I have no doubt all these, all you, wonderful people will still accept and love me, I feel like I've let you down. And that's hard.

On the way back down to Utah County, I drove in silence. I tried listening to music, but it just annoyed me. I found that I couldn't quit going over and over the audition in my mind. I picked it apart. I re-sang my song BETTER. I did the sight reading exercises correctly this time. I just couldn't let it go. I had to fix what I did wrong. Needless to say, I had a massive headache and my neck was in knots. It just wasn't the pleasant experience I'd experienced up to that point. Remember that coming out of that dreaded theory and ear training test, I was able to laugh at my inadequacies and I felt like I was on Cloud Nine, because I tried and I did my best and something inside me told me it was going to be good enough. Yesterday, I left in a much different frame of mind. I felt discouraged, disappointed, let down.....NOT enough. It was a long drive home.

Did I talk too much in the interview? Was I too casual in the audition room? Did I allow my knowing both directors cause me to let down my guard? Where did it go wrong?

Anyway. I'm gonna lick my wounds today, go back to Mapleton Chorale rehearsal tonight and try to move on. Let it go. The Letter is supposed to come in the mail by the end of next week, so we'll see if my instincts are right. I hope not. I hope I'm completely beating myself up for no reason. I'll let you know.

Casting Crowns

2011-10-07T08:32:00.004-06:00

I wanted to raise my hands and praise God. Everyone around us was. But I just couldn't. Inside....I was doing it! I was just like them - eyes closed, arms raised, body swaying, feeling the peace the gospel brings. But on the outside, I remained still, just smiling and watching and listening. This Mormon girl just couldn't play along.

I was born and raised, and baptized, into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka the Mormons, so I am a Christian. But in our church there is no closed eyes/swaying/arms raised praising going on. We are much quieter, both physically and vocally, in our worship. Maybe that's a problem. (And maybe that's why nobody was sitting on our row with us in Abravanel Hall? Haha. I can just hear it: Some Mormons came to this concert! Put them in the back by themselves!)

I have been to a lot of concerts in my lifetime. A LOT. But after Paul McCartney, this is the second greatest concert I've ever been to. We went to see Casting Crowns (same group who sings Courageous from the new movie by the same name), but ended up seeing 3 other great groups as well: Lindsay McCall, Sanctus Real, and The Afters. It was a 3 1/2 hour evening full of amazing musical talent and the genuine spirit of God. I. Loved. It!

I've never experienced anything like it. Musically, yes. But in between the music, everything was different. I think back to last October when we took Jonah to see Nickelback, a group he really liked. The music was good, but in between the music? It was garbage. Foul mouths, dirty stories and jokes. Garbage. We got up and walked out. But last night? In between the music was sharing of beliefs, values, testimony. Personal stories were shared, scripture was quoted, God was spoken of not as a swear word, but as someone to love and follow. The lyrics of all the songs were clean and uplifting. Every single member of each group dressed like you and me. No gimmicks, no extremes, no bare flesh. The whole evening was clean and uplifting!

Take My Hand (Lindsay McCall) talks of how the storm came upon the waters and that Peter asked God to help. God didn't immediately remove Peter's storm, but He did take Peter's hand and help him walk through it. God was right there with Him, lifting him above the raging water. And one of my favorite Casting Crowns songs Who Am I says: Not because of who I am, But because of what You've done; Not because of what I've done, But because of who You are. I'm who I am, not because of anything I do of myself - good or bad - but because of who God is and what He's done for me. He makes goodness possible and He makes overcoming the bad, the past, possible.

Throughout the evening, I found myself just looking around the concert hall. That, alone, was thrilling! Seeing grown men - one in the row ahead of us, in his Harley Davidson t-shirt, long ponytail and handlebar moustache - with tears unashamedly falling down their faces. Teenage kids being filled with something besides hormones and substances. To quote lead singer Mark Hall: That's good stuff.

There were times Mark stopped and prayed with the audience. For the audience. I wasn't prepared for that. Everyone bowing their heads while he expressed his love for God and his desire that each person there feel God's love. In fact, he shared with us that earlier in the day, all 60 or 70 people involved in that evening's performances spent some time sitting in, and wandering through, our seats, praying for us before we got there. I was sincerely touched by that.

A few things he shared:

1) We aren't blessed so that we can have; we are blessed so that we can give.

2) Our kids, our teenagers, sit in church just listening. Until they get beyond listening and do, until they practice for themselves what they hear, they will not only graduate high school, they will graduate church as well. Until our faith becomes their faith, until they want to get out and serve their fellowmen, they are just listening, but not hearing a word.

3) The story of the woman at the well is, of course, for all of us. If we are drawing our water from a mere hole in the ground - drawing from our spouse/our family, drawing from our talent or our job, drawing from how well we think we're living our lives - we will continue to thirst. We need to draw from the Living Water.

4) In sharing our faith with others, we are making the personal universal. I thought of this blog and I think that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to share my personal experiences, thoughts and feelings in such a way that others can gain something positive from it all.

5) He said he used to believe that God only uses, or needs, really important people and that common guys like him aren't enough. He said, "Ya know....kinda like the [Navy] SEALs for Jesus!" But then he quoted scripture (and I'm sorry, but I can't remember which it was) that says God uses the weak and the foolish and He does so in order to show that the power comes from Him, not us. I love that, because it means we ALL can do something great!

Get this.....During the intermission, Mark met in a room with all youth pastors or youth leaders of any kind. Not having gone, I can't tell you what he said or did, but I was just impressed with his desire to strengthen others. He, as well as all the members of his band, are youth pastors/leaders and they just consider their music to be part of their ministry.

So it was a great evening, which capped off a great day. It started with Lyle accompanying me to the chiropractor in our PJs :) We came home and had yummy oatmeal. We played Ticket to Ride. Lyle helped me prepare some more for my audition. We attended the temple, sealing families together, then visited briefly with my mom and sister before heading up to Salt Lake, where we ate at Zupa's!

I love my family. I love myself. I love God. Life is good.

Paul's Message to the Hebrews is Timely

2011-10-05T12:24:00.003-06:00

I finished reading the book of Hebrews this morning and found some things in those last two chapters I wanted to share.

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross....

Today I feel weighed down. Not by sin - although I can think of some things I've said to others this week that were unkind and probably uncalled for - but by my role as Mother, Wife, Friend, Daughter, Sister. I fully understand and believe that relationships are IT in this life. Having said that, today is one of those days when keeping up with my role in these important relationships is weighing me down. I just don't feel up to the energy it takes to maintain them all as well as I'd like. I'm not physically feeling up to par, much of that to do with the lack of sleep at night, as well as the back pain that continues to be part of my life.

I watched some old home movies the other night and found great entertainment, even joy, in seeing my kids when they were young. Their cute personalities and little-kid problems seemed a far cry from the more-adult problems they deal with now and how those problems weigh on my mind as the Mother who loves them. While my husband can roll over and go to sleep on their problems, I cannot. I stew. I cry. I pray.

And I guess that's why today's scripture struck me. I have had "witnesses", tender mercies that God has shown me, so I know He is there and that He cares. He is the author of all faith and He will finish, or complete, the faith and trust that I bring to my relationship with Him. My offering is small, I know, but He offers the rest! If I bring my Mother/Wife/Friend/Daughter/Sister burdens to Him and have faith in His ability and willingness to comfort, inspire and heal, all will be well.

So today I am ignoring the ringing phone. I am letting the voice mail take care of business. And I am being still and knowing He is God. I am lift[ing] up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees.... by turning to Him in study, in prayer, in writing, in music.....in taking care to replenish myself, to attend to my needs. I need to eat more, I need to sleep more. I need to slow down today. And allow Him to feed me and give me rest.

And I must say.....what a perfect day for it. The sky is dark, the rain is falling and I am curled up inside my beloved home in my sweats and slippers, beginning to feel that blessed sense of peace once again.

Mama Venting

2011-10-03T11:34:00.004-06:00

Today, I admit, I am angry. That's not an emotion I really want to feel today, but I'm being honest in saying that's what I'm feeling.

My daughter is only 19. Not ready for marriage. But she's ready for dating, ready for grown-up relationship experiences. But can I just ask: Where are all the good guys?! Are there even any out there?! As her mother who is watching all these interactions, watching these young men flit in and out of her life, I am SO discouraged. I find myself losing hope that when the time comes that she is ready for marriage, there will be anyone worthy of her.

Young men who are addicted to pornography and who can't be pleased with reality. Young men who don't know how to communicate, because they've spent their whole lives on the computer or with video games. Young men who are selfish, dishonest, unkind, who take advantage of a genuinely sweet girl.

You spend your whole life, all your love and energy, you sacrifice much to raise a girl such as mine. She is pure, inside and out. She loves. She gives. She trusts. She believes. She works hard. She's honest. And in return she gets lies, excuses and thoughtlessness. She gets overlooked and is left empty handed. And I am ANGRY about it!

I want to wring these stupid boys' necks! And they all, no matter their age, ARE boys. They can only hope to be men one day. Men who know how to value a daughter of God. Who can see past the physical, the little idiosyncrasies and see the wealth of good in her.

This mama is mad!

It's All So Surreal

2011-09-30T14:29:00.002-06:00

Do you know what surreal means? I typed my blog post title a second ago and I just wanna make sure you know exactly what the word means. It means: Having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic; unbelievable. Yep.....I think that about sums up how I'm feeling right this moment.

I just got home from the temple and from watching my friends' daughters play in their region doubles tennis championship (which was a lot of fun!) to find another one of those letters in my mailbox. Ya know, the ones that come in the envelope addressed from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? It's getting really weird.

I passed that NIGHTMARE test! And I'm trying to be excited about it, but I'm in such a state of shock I can hardly think straight! This time, I didn't laugh OR cry. I just sat and stared at the words on the paper: Based on your assessment scores, we are pleased to advance you to Phase III, the In-Person Audition. Really?! I passed?! OH. MY. GOSH!!! I passed!

So here it is. I'm going to be going up to Salt Lake again. October 12th, 4:00. I'm gonna sing and sight read for Mack Wilberg and Ryan Murphy, Music Director and Associate Music Director of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And I'm going to interview with the choir president and general manager. (Pause, for a deep breath on my part)

Can I just say I'm scared? Ya, I'm scared. This is all becoming more and more overwhelming.

Okay.....now the tears are starting to come. I passed. I've been invited to Salt Lake to keep my dream moving forward. Oh wow........... I'll keep you posted.

Angels Among Us

2011-09-26T09:32:00.002-06:00

So he said, "I've always known there were angels among us, but I never thought I'd meet one in Carl's Jr.!"

I'm not an angel. Anyone who knows me knows that. However, this particular gentleman (and his wife) were convinced that I am. At least I was for him/them that day. It was after I had finished the music assessment for Tabernacle Choir and I was just driving around downtown Salt Lake, looking for a place to eat. I had a couple hours to kill until my husband and stepdaughter brought my granddaughter up to meet me for the circus.

Being the mood eater that I am, I was looking for a good salad place, cuz that's what sounded good to me. But as I drove around, I wasn't finding anything but office buildings. And then I saw Carl's Jr. Rarely do I crave a hamburger, but when I do, Carl's Jr. is the place I want to go. And a guacamole bacon burger is what I want to eat. With some fries and a Dr. Pepper. But at that moment, that just wasn't sounding appealing in the least. However, I needed to find a place to eat and I decided that would suffice. Food is food. I eat to live.

After walking into the restaurant and ordering my grilled chicken sandwich, I looked around for where to sit. Since I was alone, I wanted to sit alone, with no one around me. I made a move to the corner to do just that. But then, for whatever reason, I did an about-face and ended up sitting a small table away from a husband-wife duo. They didn't strike me - from mere outside trappings - as anyone I would want to visit with. For a while, I said nothing. I could hear their conversation and when my food came, I listened while I ate. Nothing particularly interesting.

Eventually, they were done with their meal and I was getting close to finishing mine. I thought to ask them the question I needed answering: Do you know if the city enforces the two-hour parking rule on Saturdays? They gave me the answer, then proceeded to ask if I was from out of town. I said I was just from Utah County, no big deal. I told them I had been up here for part of an audition process and that my husband and stepdaughter were going to meet me and that I needed to find parking for the circus. They asked What are you auditioning for? Upon answering, the man's face lit up and he slid closer to me.

And then the questions began. He pumped me for all the information about the audition process that he could get. His wife paid close attention, then mentioned that they have all been trying for years to get him to audition for the Choir. He has been wanting to, but has been intimidated by the process. After talking to me, you'd think he would be even MORE intimidated, seeing as I was telling him about the NIGHTMARE PSYCHO test!

But as we talked, I found myself encouraging this man to try. Just try! What have you got to lose? If it's been a dream of yours, chase it! And as he listened to me, rather than fear the process even more, he seemed to feel a sense of relief at hearing the details and a sense of hope and excitement. I went out to my car and wrote down the name and the authors of the music theory book the Choir office suggested we study from and I gave it to him. I said: You have another year to prepare, because they won't open for applications again until next July. Get this book and begin studying. Practice sight reading. Practice interval training and any other ear training that you can do. Then TRY.

As we parted, he and his wife continued to thank me for talking with them and for encouraging him to go for it. He said I was an answer to his prayers and his wife said, "You don't know how much this means to us, having you show up today and talking about this very thing."

I, too, believe we have angels among us. People who show up just when we need them or when we need to hear what they have to say. Not the ethereal kind of angels with wings, without bodies as we know it. People just like you and me. I am glad when I can play that role and I am grateful when others play that role in my life.

Let's keep being angels among us.

Dream Chaser

2011-09-25T09:50:00.004-06:00

I am married to a Dreamer. Ya know, the kind of guy who spends his thinking time coming up with creations - creations in music, creations in coat hangers and window well covers, creations that will result in getting rich quick. I, on the other hand, am a Realist. And a Conservative. Right-brained husband. Left-brained wife. After much squabbling, it works.

But now I am chasing a dream. A dream that I've carried in the dark recesses of my mind since I was in college. I say dark recesses, because I don't think I ever intended to really bring it out and take a look at it and try to make it happen. Too afraid. Not enough confidence. But now.......now I am thick in the middle of trying. Chasing my dream. The dream to be a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

As I've already mentioned, I made it through the first phase of the audition process and that has given me the confidence to keep going. I noticed, the next time I went to Mapleton Chorale rehearsal after receiving my letter, that I sang with a little spark that wasn't there before. A little secret thought that repeated in my mind: You are good enough. You can sing!

Phase 2 of the audition process came yesterday. I got up dark and early and got ready, while my sweet husband made me some oatmeal w/cinnamon and raisins and a glass of orange juice. Brain food! I was on the road by 7:15 and arrived at the Conference Center parking garage an hour later. It was a BEAUTIFUL day. I watched a bride and her mother getting out of the car, carrying her bagged wedding dress into the Salt Lake Temple and I remembered the morning in May when Lyle and I joined together as an eternal family.

I walked to the famous Tabernacle, found Door 2, then sat out in the sun, last-minute reviewing. I stood up, took a deep breath, then gave the man at the door my name and he let me enter. In that moment, as in the moment I opened my letter on September 6th and read "We are pleased to inform you...", I knew I had accomplished something pretty wonderful. I just felt so amazed and thrilled to even be there, invited.

There were about 70 people there, mostly men. That told me there are more openings this year for men and that, as always, the competition for women is very tight. I quickly found a fellow Mapleton Choralian (made that one up!) and we sat together. Later, another would come through the doors of the testing room.

The Test. Oh my goodness. All the horror stories I've heard from those who've gone before......"Everyone walks out feeling like they failed"......they're pretty much all true. It started with ear training and I looked at the scantron sheet of 75 questions and thought, "Wow - that's a lotta music clips to listen to. Stay calm, Jan." Hahaha! That was just the FIRST sheet! And the easiest, by far. In fact, after finishing that, I felt I had underestimated my ear and everything was going to be fine. Then they gave us the second sheet with about 120 questions. And it got harder and my brain got more tired of the strain of listening so carefully. And by the end, everything started to sound the same. Then they gave us the third and final sheet. It had 20 questions. Twenty NIGHTMARE musical phrases that, I swear, each were 20 measures long! And we were supposed to listen to that phrase, then listen to it again, saying whether it was played exactly the same or whether something had changed tonally or changed rhythmically - even if the change was in one note. It was PSYCHO crazy hard! At one point, as the played "phrase" went on and on, I found myself quietly giggling at the impossibility of remembering anything more than my given name.

Then, blessedly, we took a break. In the ladies restroom, I broke the tension by saying, "Well, THAT was entertaining.......... In a sick kind of way!" It seemed to be the perfect description of what we'd just gone through and everyone laughed. What else can you do in a stressful time like that, when your hard-studied brain has just been reduced to mush?

We went back in the room and took the theory test. Only 55 questions and I felt really good about it. I recognized that E-flat harmonic minor, knew that was an augmented 6th, marked the correct box for the pattern of a major scale, named the time signature as duple-compound and so on.

As I walked out of the basement of the Tabernacle into the sun, I didn't feel like they said I would. I didn't feel like I'd failed. Even if I don't get the requisite 80% on the total assessment, I didn't fail. I didn't fail, because I tried. I took the chance to chase my dream. I prepared as well as I could and I went in there and did my very best. How can I look at that as failing? Nope!

I stayed up in Salt Lake until Lyle and Kayla brought Shelby up to meet me. I had tickets to take my grand daughter to the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Her first time. Just the two of us. She was so excited, but so was I! It was the perfect event to take my mind away from The Test and into the carefree world of a child. We bought kettle corn and a drink, a souvenir program that came with silly glasses and sat down in our great row-12 seats.

It was The Greatest Show on Earth, being there with Shelby. She giggled at the silly clowns. She sat wide-eyed at all the happenings of the tightrope walkers, the trapeze artists, the dude who they shot across the Delta Center floor, his body in flames. She sat on my lap in the moments she was a bit afraid and when she was getting tired. We loved the elephants and the tigers (especially the white one named Princess) and the horses.

Shelby and I......we skipped out of the Delta Center. Life was good and we felt contentment.

As I drove home - Shelby asleep in the back seat - I reviewed my day. Yes. Contentment. That was the right word. My heart was full. I had continued the Chase and done my best. The day was beautiful - sunshine and blue skies. The time with Shelby at the circus was magical. We traveled safely. And I was going home to a husband and son who support me. And I have a daughter at college who constantly sends me texts of love and encouragement. And a mother who fasted and prayed that I would feel calm and have a clear mind during the test, and who anxiously awaited my phone call telling her how I'd done. And a big brother who told everyone he knows that his little sister was trying out for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and that he is so proud.

Contentment.

A Dozen Hump Day Feel Goods

2011-09-21T08:19:00.005-06:00

It's the middle of the week and I've just gotta tell ya that I've had an unusually busy last couple of weeks and today is no different. It's NO WONDER I've had a headache that won't leave! So on this Hump Day, I felt the need to share (probably mostly for my own benefit and reminder) the feel goods I've experienced lately:

Feel good #1: I took my sister for her second chemotherapy treatment this past Friday and we were expecting that she'd have another rough weekend of nausea, followed by missing a day or two of work. But no. God is really watching over and sharing blessings with her. She hasn't experienced any real nausea since Friday and she was able to go to church on Sunday and to work as usual on Monday. I am grateful.

Feel good #2: Since my sister's diagnosis with breast cancer, I have had the opportunity to take her to her appointments, to surgery and now to her treatment, and guess what? It has brought us so close together. I am really enjoying my time with her, even though the circumstances aren't cool. We laugh a lot, talk about lots of things and she has expressed how much comfort it brings her to have me there. Besides the healing we hope is taking place with her body, there is much emotional healing that is going on between the two of us and I am grateful.

Feel good #3: I went to Seagull Bookstore two days in a row and the same woman helped me at the register. She was such a pleasant woman, smiling so genuinely at me and wishing me "an amazing day!" Simple kindnesses really do lift spirits.

Feel good #4: My dear friend had a birthday yesterday and I showed up at her house at noon with take-out Chinese food and we enjoyed such a nice visit! I was able to get her some gifts that I knew were her and that made me feel so happy!

Feel good #5: After 5 days of a horrible headache, with no reprieve, I happened to drink a Dr. Pepper and discovered (within the hour) that my headache had gone away! A simple little blessing. So I celebrated by making chocolate chip cookies for my son and his friend to enjoy with milk after their hard x-country work out. And I felt so domestic and so I-am-a-Mother-Full-of-Love'ish!

Feel good #6: Today is another friend's birthday and last night on facebook, she saw that I'd made chocolate chip cookies and dropped a big hint that maybe she wouldn't mind having some :) So I just put some in a ziploc and took them over, along with a couple little gifts I'd gotten her and enjoyed seeing her face light up when she saw the cookies.

Feel good #7: For various reasons, I'm not going to the BYU game this Friday, so I decided to give our tickets to one of my best friends. I love to do that once in a while....."Here! Have a fun date night!" She and her husband dropped by the house last night and I gave them the tickets and we visited for a long time. Talked about the church's 12-step program and they left me with some produce from their garden. I love that I have such good friends!

Feel good #8: Monday night I sat in bed and helped Jonah study for his first test in AP Psychology. I love it when you actually know the subject matter, so you can expound and give examples, instead of feeling like a dumb turd who has NO IDEA what your kid is talking about! But mostly, I love that I have the time to sit and help my child.

Feel good #9: Today I get to help one of my best friends by watching her youngest for the day. She went out of town this morning. She's one of those independent, Mother-of-the-Year kind of women who has a hard time asking for help, so I was really glad that she felt comfortable enough to ask me, and let me, help her. We're gonna go get Shelby and go to the park and have a great day playing like pre-schoolers!

Feel good #10: I had small ensemble rehearsal last night. Just for an hour. There are only 14 of us in the group and I LOVE the sound! I love how everyone has to hold their own, how we have to listen so carefully for blend and balance, how we look into each other's eyes and faces, so we stay together, move together. It's such a different musical experience than a large group, and I love the challenge! And the rewards. Our director, Cory, is incredibly talented and I love the music he chooses for us. Last night we rehearsed two beautiful pieces and sight read another, but we also laughed (Cory snorts!), tried to cheer up one of the members who was having a really bad day, and I came home completely enriched.

Feel good #11: I finally bought the Thor DVD and I think tonight might be the night that I get to settle down and watch that beautiful hunk of a man on the screen...... :)

And finally....Feel Good #12: Because of the injury to my ring finger, and the subsequent surgery (and infection) I had with it, I have not been able to wear my wedding ring for a little over two years. I actually hate wearing rings, so I didn't think it would bother me. But it does, and I have asked my husband numerous times if we could get it fixed so I could wear it. Well.......last night I came home from rehearsal and my husband of nearly 23 years pulled out my reconfigured (it has a clasp on the back now instead of solid gold) ring and proposed. He asked if I would "be [his] girl." I am married to the most wonderful guy and am, once again, sporting the most beautiful ring on my finger.

And with that, Nate the Great and I are going to play. I wish you all a wonderful Hump Day!

Giving Up

2011-09-19T08:53:00.004-06:00

I can't help but feel sad about it. I'm not close to these high school classmates. I mean, we didn't pal around while in high school and I haven't kept in touch with them over the years. But I have reacquainted myself with them in the past couple of years and have really enjoyed getting a glimpse into their marriage. They appeared to be very much in love, even after all the years. They said and did cute little things for each other. I really thought they were best friends and I admired what they had created for themselves and their children.

But now they're separated and planning to get divorced. Not only that, but they're excitedly moving forward into new relationships, when their relationship isn't even finished. And it just feels empty. Hopeless. Another marriage biting the proverbial dust. Another couple giving up and looking for an easier path. Another family being destroyed. It's happening more and more and it's sad.

I feel sad for all the kids who have their dreams dashed. Who have to go between Mom's house and Dad's house. Who have to share their holidays and birthdays with only one of their parents. Who will have other people come into their lives and homes and take their parents' respectful places. Who won't enjoy family pictures or family vacations any more. At least not as an intact family that they once were. Now it will be with the steps and the halves.

People go in and out of marriages and relationships like it's no big deal, like there's nothing wrong with that. If things are hard for longer than a few moments, if one of the partners hurt the other, if some trust was lost, if mistakes were made, if we wake up and feel "out of love" and question why we married this person........well, heck! Let's just get out and find someone new!

Problem is, that new relationship will eventually grow old, as well. The high of getting to know each other and falling in love will wear off - how can it not? - and it will be an every day, regular relationship requiring time, attention, compromise, forgiveness, respect and hard work, just like the relationship you threw away. It's not always glamorous and you aren't always going to feel "in love". But you CAN always feel committed. That is what marriage really requires. Commitment.

Wish there were more of it running around in our heads and in our actions.

The Weight of Glory

2011-09-13T10:16:00.004-06:00

You know that I love to read and study, so I'm sure you'll not find it surprising that I take the study guide that's given to me at the beginning of the new Sunday School year and during the week before each lesson, I read the material and the scriptures that we'll be covering. I like to be prepared so I can possibly add to the discussion.

Well, this morning in my reading in 2 Corinthians, I read one of my favorite thoughts in chapter 4 (I really think I've shared this before, but maybe not). Verses 8-9 say: We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

I love the quiet of those two verses. The peaceful place in one's heart that's being described. Trouble may be going on around us, we may not fully understand what's happening in our lives, we may be criticized or unjustly treated, we may be feeling discouraged......BUT we won't give in to that discouragement, we aren't in despair, we have not given up, we don't feel forsaken and completely alone, we won't allow ourselves to be destroyed emotionally or spiritually. And why?

Verses 14-17 answer that question: Through Christ...all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. I have to admit I didn't know what "redound" meant, so I looked it up. It means "to return, or bring us to." Our struggles and the struggles of the world in which we live will ultimately, if we choose, bring us to the glory of God. We may struggle on the outside, but...the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.

I saw that phrase weight of glory and I immediately thought of the book by C.S. Lewis by the same title. The book is actually a collection of 9 addresses he gave in the 1940's while at Oxford, the first address being The Weight of Glory itself. I love all of C.S. Lewis's writings and this volume is no different.

I just want to randomly share some of the main thoughts in his first address, or sermon actually. He's talking about the promises and rewards we are promised throughout the New Testament and how, in his opinion, God finds our desires to be weak. Lewis says: We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

Lewis goes on to state that we are made for heaven, so the desire for our "proper place" is already instilled in us, we just have to discover, or uncover it, and follow the path that leads to it. He says: Apparently, then, our lifelong nostalgia, our longing to be reunited with something in the universe from which we now feel cut off, to be on the inside of some door which we have always seen from the outside, is no mere neurotic fancy, but the truest index of our real situation. And to be at last summoned inside would be both glory and honour beyond all our merits and also the healing of that old ache.

And then towards the very end of his address, he explains, I think, what he considers to be this weight of glory. I apologize.....well, no, I don't....for the length of the quote:

It may be possible for each to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbour. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbour's glory should be laid on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one of other of these destinations....There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.

So the weight of glory spoken of in 2 Corinthians and the weight of glory C.S. Lewis speaks of is this: Life is full of trials and difficulties. We feel such burdens every day, one being how to be charitable toward our "neighbors", but these burdens, if learned from and dealt with well, are the very burdens that will be made light and that will shape us into people worthy of God's glory.

Andy Andrews' Book

2011-09-12T15:41:00.002-06:00

Just finished reading Andy Andrews' The Traveler's Gift.

I borrowed it from my aunt. Once I got past the time travel business - which always, I confess, makes me roll my eyes - I enjoyed the lessons David was being taught. That I was being taught. I could spend more time summarizing the story and telling you about all the people he met, but I'm having a really lazy, I'm-so-tired kind of day. So I just wanna hit the main idea, which is seven decisions, or attitudes, we can take in life that will make the difference between success and failure.

The Seven Decisions that determine personal success:

1. The buck stops here. I am responsible for my past and my future. I will not blame anyone or any event for where I sit right now. Choices are mine to make and I will take full responsibility for them.

2. I will seek wisdom. I cannot change my past, but I can change the future by changing my actions today. I will train my eyes and ears to read and listen to books and music that bring about positive changes in my personal relationships and a greater understanding of my fellowman. I will choose to associate with people whose lives and lifestyles I admire, because I realize I am who my friends are. I will listen to the counsel of wise people. I will learn wisdom through service.

3. I am a person of action. I will seize each moment. I choose now. When I am faced with the choice of doing nothing or doing something, I will always choose to act! I have energy and I will use it to move forward.

4. I have a decided heart. I am passionate about my vision for the future and who I want to be. I will awaken each morning with an excitement about the new day and its opportunity for growth and change. I will follow my dreams.

5. Today I will choose to be happy. Happiness is not an emotional phantom floating in and out of my life. It is a choice, the end result of certain thoughts and activities. I will laugh and smile often, which bring about a chemical reaction in my body, actually resulting in a sense of euphoria and well being. I will possess a grateful spirit.

6. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. By granting forgiveness, I release the demons of the past about which I can do nothing anyway, and I create in myself a new heart, a new beginning. I will forgive those who do not even ask for forgiveness, because I know what it will do for me. I now understand that criticism from others is part of the price paid for leaping past mediocrity and I will no longer allow it to breed resentment or bitterness within me. I will forgive myself as well.

7. I will persist without exception. No longer will I live in a dimension of distraction, my focus blown here and there. I know what I want and I hold fast to that. I stay the course and I Do Not Quit. I will continue despite setbacks or exhaustion. I am strong and I Can Do Hard Things. I understand that I don't always have to enjoy the process, I just have to continue the process with my eyes on my end goal or desire.

As I re-read each of the seven decisions before reading the final page of the book today, I thought to myself This couldn't have come at a better time. You see, last night I couldn't sleep and this morning I awoke with an immediate feeling of discouragement and dread. I had spoken with a husband-wife duo who are singing with the Tabernacle Choir (she made it in last year), and they were telling me how difficult the ear training portion of the test (that I am to take in 12 days) is, and I was feeling very incompetent and scared. All morning, I kept telling myself I was putting myself through this stress for nothing, because I wasn't going to get past this phase. I compared myself to my husband and my son, who both have perfect (or, in Jonah's case, near perfect) pitch and who just innately hear music. They hear the keys, the intervals, the little nuances just naturally! No training, no studying, just a gift. Well, I don't possess that gift. I remember taking ear training classes while a music major at BYU a hundred years ago, and I remember, for the first time in my life, being thrilled to get a B or even a C in a class! I hated ear training! It was crazy hard!

Okay. I'm done venting about it. Now comes the more uplifting part. The part where I say that after reading the seventh decision today and going through them all again, I became determined. Determined to chase my dream. To do whatever I can to be prepared for that test on the 24th. To seize the moment. To persist without exception. Cute texts from my daughter helped, but in the end, I know the buck stops here and I want to go through the process knowing I did my best.

An Early September 11th Message

2011-09-09T13:36:00.003-06:00

Dr. Lynn Scoresby, in another of his Education Week lectures, told us about how, one Christmas season, he did his own little version of a Nativity calendar. He said he shared a story every day with his family. That doesn't sound so unusual; we have a storybook that my sister-in-law made for us that we read from each day in the month of December as well.

But Dr. Scoresby's stories were VERY different from the kind of stories we read as a family at Christmas time. He told his family current, real-life stories of clients he was working with (without identifying them), or about people in the news. For instance, he told his family about a guy who, while drunk, hit and killed one of his neighbors. He was so drunk, he didn't even realize he'd hit someone, so he just left the scene and continued home. The next day, he heard about his neighbor's loss and that it had been a hit-and-run. He was devastated. As soon as he saw his car that day and remembered bits and pieces of the evening before, he knew it had been him who had done it. He immediately went over to the neighbor and confessed.

Then he told us about another story he'd shared with his family, about a man who had embezzled money from the company he worked for. This higher-up employee had blamed it on another employee and that person ended up serving 7 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit.

He told his family about a young lady whose father had repeatedly sexually abused her for years and how she had been estranged from both him and her mother, spending the remainder of her teenage years in foster homes.

I don't know if Dr. Scoresby's family had any idea that he was doing this as his own little Advent calendar, but as Christmas Eve approached, he then said, and I love this: "Won't it be wonderful to celebrate the birth of the only person who can heal all of these hurts?"

Maybe I should've saved this post until Christmas time, but as I've been sharing insights and thoughts from our Education Week experience, I felt to include this right now. With the 10-year anniversary of the devastating events of September 11th coming up in a couple of days, I just want to say that even with all the trauma, pain, suffering, and unrest in the world, there is peace yet to be found. Regardless of what we endure, what goes on around us, we can still find peace and have joy in life. Christ came to heal ALL.

Cat's So Righteous!

2011-09-08T09:28:00.002-06:00

I wanted to start off my blog this morning by talking just a little bit about righteousness and as soon as that word came into my mind, I can't help it, I thought about my son and some of his friends who lovingly tease their friend Cat by saying, "Cat's so righteous!" It's an inside joke and that's what came to mind, so I just thought I'd give my post that title. Hee hee :)

If you look in the dictionary, you'll find that someone who is righteous is someone who is "acting in accord with divine or moral law; free from guilt or sin."

Lyle and I went to a couple of classes by Dr. Lynn Scoresby. He is a psychologist and retired BYU professor and an expert in the field of marriage and raising moral children. He mentioned that a righteous individual is someone who has decided to comply with God's commandments and that their behavior sends a message to all that they love God. Then he went on to say that a righteous relationship is where a married couple (or, I suppose, the two friends, or two siblings, etc.) has decided to comply with God's commandments together, because they love God. He said this kind of couple seems to be fused or bonded in a positive way that can't be accomplished outside a religious lifestyle together. As you love Heavenly Father, you develop new and positive characteristics that you didn't before possess. God actually endows you with new traits and a new heart.

He suggested that commitment to the marital relationship itself can be even more powerful than one's commitment, at times, to their spouse, and that righteous commitment to covenants made with God can keep the marriage moving forward. I can tell you absolutely from personal experience that this is true. Many times in our marriage I have found myself straying from my commitment to Lyle, yet my commitment to my marriage as an entity, and my commitment to the covenants I made in the temple, pull me back or keep me grounded.

Dr. Scoresby said that quite often, people who are struggling in their marriages are struggling with God and their testimony of the gospel of Christ......and vice versa. Again, AMEN! I have been married to Lyle for nearly 23 years and I saw this cycle in action. Whenever I was struggling in my marriage, I found that I was also feeling spiritually empty and full of doubts and rebelliousness. And vice versa. When I was spiritually stagnant in my relationship with God or I was doing things that were contrary to what He asks of me, or just that I was lazy in my daily spiritual commitment to prayer, scripture study, etc., I felt distant from Lyle. In those moments, I tended to pick him apart, fault by fault, and found myself dissatisfied and disenchanted with him and with our marriage. There truly is a connection between our spiritual well being and level of righteousness and the health of our marriages (or other relationships).

This is the bottom line as far as I'm concerned: When I am living righteously (acting in accord with God's laws and His will for me), I am happy. Period! I am committed to my marriage, I am committed to my children and my role as mother, I am committed to my friends and to becoming better in all I do. But if I turn away from God and from His teachings and from living by those teachings, I am miserable. Everything seems harder, more unfair, and I am tired of it all and just want to be done.

So it's a no-brainer. Being righteous like Cat is the way to go!

I Have a Dream

2011-09-07T08:10:00.003-06:00

I began singing my sophomore year in high school. My audition at the end of my freshman year came about because my best friend was trying out for the concert choir and she was afraid to go alone. I would have been content to sit in the hallway and wait for her, but the choir teacher, upon finding out that I, too, was a Mormon, insisted I audition, because "every Mormon I know can sing!" The rest, they say, is history.

Singing became my passion. I felt that I had found a place where I fit, where I could express all the pent-up emotion inside me. I enjoyed the remaining years of high school completely engrossed in what went on in the music wing. When it came time to decide colleges and majors, no one could talk me out of majoring in music. My dad, who absolutely believed in my talent, arranged an audition out in Utah (at BYU) for a scholarship. Silly dad! I flew out and stayed with my big brother Gary and his family and, shaking voice (and knees) and all, gave it a shot. I actually was given a small music scholarship and came out to BYU ready to sing my heart out! I was full of enthusiasm and confidence. Then the competitive nature of being a music major sank in and, at times, made me feel like I was drowning.

In the middle of my junior year, after giving my soul, basically, to the program, I got some feedback from my Fall jury (all voice majors had to perform 2 -3 pieces in front of the voice faculty at the end of every semester, which feedback constituted half of your voice lesson grade and determined whether you would continue receiving your scholarship) that rocked my world. One of the professors - the head of the vocal department, to be exact - had written on my jury sheet that I was not where I needed to be, that he did not approve of my officially entering into the major and that he suggested I even think of changing my major completely. I was devastated. And what made it worse was that this was someone who I thought was going to take me under his wing and help me - ya know, the "it's who you know" type of thing. This man was a friend of my family and had sung at my father's memorial service out here in Utah.

Well. I took his feedback to heart and believed it, hook, line and sinker. And sink me, it did. Any confidence I had was gone and I quit singing in front of people. And anytime I did sing, I analyzed it to death, picked it apart and found it wanting. EVERY time. I took his advice. I not only changed my major, I discontinued as a student at BYU. Ever since then, I have carried around a little tape in my head that tells me my voice isn't good enough, and I have believed it.

Yesterday I came home from some time at the reservoir and from a chiropractic appointment, got the mail and saw The Envelope. It was addressed to Jan Marie Hadlock and it was from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. My heart started pounding and, inside the house, I began to pace around with that envelope in my hand. Last month, I had turned in my application, ecclesiastical endorsement and my audition CD and had been awaiting this letter, giving me the results. And this is what it said:

Dear Sister Hadlock: We have recently completed the review of nearly 250 Phase I Application and Recorded Audition submissions and are pleased to inform you that you have been selected to advance to Phase II of the audition cycle.

I laughed. I cried. I jumped around the room. I knelt down and thanked Heavenly Father for the chance. I called my husband and gave him the news, then cried some more. I can't explain the overwhelming peace I felt, the sense of Your voice IS good enough and YOU are good enough. It almost felt like a direct answer to what I was feeling Sunday at church, as all those people were being put into leadership and teaching positions while I watched. It was as if God was answering me two days later with this letter, by saying, "This is going to be your calling, your church job. That's why you were left out of the mix."

I know I haven't gotten in yet. That was only Phase I. Phase II is a killer music theory/ear training test that I have to go to Salt Lake to take on September 24th. If I pass that with an 80% or better, I move on to Phase III, which is an in-person audition before the director Mack Wilberg and the associate director Ryan Murphy. That will consist of a prepared piece that they send me to learn, as well as doing some sight reading. But even though I have only made it to this point, making it to this point means so much to me. It erases all the doubt. It finally throws out the blasted tape that's been playing in my head ever since that professor gave that feedback.

I have a real chance. I am so humbled by the opportunity to even try! This has been a dream ever since those college days as a music major at BYU. If not for my family pushing me - especially my son Jonah - and my friend helping me get my voice ready for the audition CD requirements, I probably never would have gotten up the nerve. But I thought about my example as a parent, trying to teach my kids that You Can Do Hard Things.......that I need to show them that you have to at least be willing to TRY.

Ya know, I sang with Dr. Wilberg all my days at BYU. He was the director of our Concert Choir. We were the group that he wrote many of his pieces and arrangements for. Those days with the choir and with him (and, I can't lie, the football games!) are my fondest memories of college. To sing with him again would bring me so much happiness! And Ryan Murphy, the associate director, directed me in the Mapleton Chorale years ago. So I know both men and I can only hope that I will have the opportunity in October of auditioning in person for them, and hope that they feel my place is with The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Weekend Lessons

2011-09-06T11:25:00.002-06:00

I realize I've already written today, but I wanted to mention a couple of things that happened to me this weekend.

First, I attended an event that I, frankly, was pretty nervous about attending. My worries - maybe unfounded, but possibly legitimate - included feeling left out, being talked about behind the scenes, just feeling uncomfortable and awkward. I talked about it with a friend, telling her I really didn't want to go. Not because the event itself wasn't important to me, but because of all the underlying relationship factors.

But I went. And as I sat there, I made a decision. I'm really starting to understand that life is made up of more decisions than we think it is. So many times we think we can't help ourselves - can't help how we feel, can't help what we want, can't help what we do. I'm learning that we can help a lot more than we want to believe. We just like to justify our feelings, our reactions, our attitudes. But I made a decision that day. And what I decided was this: I am going to assume everyone there likes me and wants me there. And I made a decision to reach out and be friendly, start conversations, smile, assume the best.

Guess what? It worked!

And then later that day, as I sat in our church meetings and listened to a massive amount of people being changed in their church jobs, the old tape started playing in my head.......You're not good enough for a leadership position. God isn't pleased enough with you to put you in a leadership or teaching position. I started to feel small. I started to tune out. And then I heard a new tape playing - one that said It doesn't matter which church job you have. God IS pleased with you, Jan. He's very pleased with you and it's okay. And I chose to keep that tape playing in my head and throw the other out.

Two lessons this weekend that reminded me that I Have a Choice.

House Building

2011-09-06T08:53:00.002-06:00

When I think of house building - not in a literal sense, but in a spiritual sense - I can't help but think of C.S. Lewis's quote on the subject:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

If we allow God into our lives, there are certainly changes to our "house" that will need to be made. He will see all our faults and weaknesses, sins and darkness, and He will - with our willingness - come in and tear down, replace and build up again. He wants us to live in peaceful and happy houses.

Sometimes we are able to see this in others. I mean, we can be house builders, too! God is the general contractor, but He oftentimes hires us to do some of the work. For others' homes, I mean. When we let others into our "houses", they, too, can see weaknesses, faults, sins and darkness, and if we let them, they can help us clean out and rebuild.

HOWEVER.

However, I heard this quote in an Education Week class and it needs to be said: If you have built for a man a better house than his own and he is willing to accept yours and forsake his, then, and not until then, should you proceed to tear down the old structure. Rotten though it may be, it will require some time for it to lose all its charms and fond memories. Let him, not you, proceed to tear it away.

In class we talked about how careful we need to be when helping others tear down their houses and build new ones. We can't come in and take over. We have to be careful not to find fault with their habits, their friends, their pasttimes, their thinking. We just need to help build the new house and let THEM tear down the old as they are ready, piece by piece. Only then will they really accept the new house as their own.

When Hank Smith shared that with us, it struck a chord with me. I am NOT good at this. Not patient. And, bottom line, not trusting or having faith in that individual that they will ever tear down the rotten wood. I rush in to do it for them and then I become the bad guy instead of the helpful laborer. My task is to remember that God is the General Contractor of all home building and He is very, very good at what He does.

The Parable of the Smelly Box

2011-09-05T11:47:00.004-06:00

I hope I can remember enough details about this story....

There was a girl who had a new coat and she was very excited to wear it to school the next day. It was so pretty and she felt so special in it! Well, that next morning as she came out of her house, there were some neighbor boys hiding behind bushes and before she got very far down the sidewalk, they pelted her with snowballs, hitting her upside the head a few times. She ran as fast as she could to get away, but she struggled to avoid getting hit. The bullies had such fun that morning, they did it again the next morning and it continued happening day after day to where she was afraid to even open her front door.

Well, one morning, as she was running from the boys, she saw a box sitting just off the sidewalk. She thought to pick it up and use it as a shield to protect her from the snowballs. They'd throw the snowballs and bam! the snowballs would hit the box, break into pieces and fall to the ground. Her face and head were protected! She noticed, however, that the box had a foul odor. Oh well, she thought, it's protecting me from these bullies.

When she got to school, she hid her box behind some bushes, so she could retrieve it later. Sure enough, when school let out, she found her box and it protected her all the way home. This went on for days until it got to the point where the boys lost interest in attacking her. She'd won!

At that point, she didn't need the box anymore. It had served its purpose and now she could lay the stinky thing aside. But she didn't. She figured that it was best to continue carrying it around just in case those mean boys showed up to harm her again. Or maybe there would be new bullies that would show up and use her as a target for their meanness.

Day after day, week after week, throughout the following months, this girl continued to carry that smelly box around with her everywhere she went. It made her feel safe, protected, prepared to deal with anyone who might want to hurt her. However, because of the horrible smell of the thing, no one would walk with her to school and her school friends quit playing with her on the playground. Everyone told her how smelly the box made her - getting on her clothes, in her hair, etc. and that she ought to get rid of it - but she didn't care. Sometimes she felt really lonely and left out, but came to the decision that it was more important for her to feel safe. So the box remained her constant companion.

As I listened to Kevin Hinckley tell this story, I, of course, didn't need to be told how that could apply to my life. I thought of all the behaviors that used to work to protect me in life, behaviors that grew into personality traits. They protected me from emotional harm that others tried to cause me. Like this smelly box, they really did work for that specific situation or person/in that moment. Unfortunately for me, once those threats in my life were gone, I continued to carry around my "box"(es), even though it turned people away from me. I was no longer in the situations that necessitated the protective behaviors, but I had lived with them for so long, and they had been helpful in getting me through hard times, so I was afraid to let them go, and - in many instances - unable to do so with any ease.

I suppose this is where I should suggest that you take a look at whether you are carrying around smelly boxes of your own. Boxes that served a purpose at one time, but that you really need to put down and walk away from. Are you still carrying around your harmful, hazardous-material boxes?

More on Trust

2011-09-02T07:58:00.003-06:00

I found out something very fascinating while sitting in Hank Smith's Education Week class. He told us that a ship in the ocean that has collected, and is covered with, barnacles will be greatly slowed down. If it continues to travel, it will just take longer to get wherever it is going. However, if it will get to some fresh water where it can sit for a week or so, the barnacles are killed and easily cleaned off, and it can get back on course, often times even making faster time than if it hadn't stopped in the first place. He said ships often pull into the Columbia River - between Oregon and Washington - to do this. He always found it a strange sight to see ships sitting in that river gorge until he found out why.

He likened this to building trust in our relationships. The things we have to do to build trust seem to slow us down. They take time. But just like taking the time to find, and sit in, fresh water and get the barnacles cleaned off, the time we take to play with our kids, study scriptures with our kids, go on vacations with our families, have regular date night with our spouses, listen to our friends, etc., will bring trust into those relationships. Remember from what I (actually, what HE) said before: trust is developed when our interactions are frequent, personal, positive and low risk. This is why we have made it a priority to go on annual vacations as a family, why we have consistently reserved Monday evenings for family night, why we spend so much time in conversation with our kids, why we go on family walks, and so on. Lyle and I both have had a strong desire to maintain close, trusting relationships with our children, believing they will grow into emotionally healthy adults if we do.

Hank Smith posed the question: What is the tallest geyser in Yellowstone National Park? Nearly everyone will answer: Old Faithful. But it's not. The tallest geyser in Yellowstone National Park is called Steamboat Geyser. So why isn't it more popular? Because you never know when it's going to erupt! It erupted on May 2, 2000. It erupted again on May 23, 2005. Who knows when it will erupt again? But Old Faithful.......The reason it is so popular, why everyone wants to see it, why it is beloved: it's in the name. Because it is dependable, reliable. Eruptions can be predicted. With a margin of error of 10 minutes, Old Faithful will erupt 65 minutes after an eruption lasting less than 2.5 minutes or 91 minutes after an eruption lasting more than 2.5 minutes. People don't want to invest in the sporadic greatness of Steamboat Geyser. It might be a more remarkable eruption, but you could be standing there for years waiting for it to happen and never even get to see it! Old Faithful teaches us that you don't have to be the best or the tallest, you just have to be consistent and trustworthy. I loved that analogy.

Oh - and he said something - almost in passing - that I thought was super clever! He talked about the moon and how it controls the tides and that it's very predictable. I mean, the calendar can tell you years in advance what the tides will be doing. Crazy stuff! Well.....he said we need to parent like Mr. Moon. We need to be consistent and we need to reflect the sun (the Son) in all we do, so our kids have reason to trust.

Brother Smith also commented that trust can survive broken promises, but only if those broken promises are openly discussed and not ignored. If they are acknowledged by the person who broke them, if sincere apologies are made and consequences accepted, trust can actually be built. Even in our mistakes and errors, if we deal with them honestly and acknowledge our wrongdoing, we can repair the damage and still build trust. That's hopeful, I think.

He also warned that when we say something that's untrue in front of others who know it's untrue, we damage trust, even if it's not directed to them. It doesn't matter if it's something small like having your child tell the person on the other end of the phone that you aren't home, when you really are, but you just don't want to talk to that person. When you do that, you're teaching your child that you are honest when it's convenient for you, and that doesn't build trust in their mind.

He told a family story that I really appreciated. He said his dad was a pro (or semi-pro?) golfer and that he and his siblings grew up being pushed to play lots of golf. Although he didn't end up enjoying golf, one of his sisters did and she was very good. In one tournament, his sister and two others golfers were in the lead and it was coming down to one of them to win. In the second-to-last hole, his sister, rather than finishing the hole with a short putt, she picked up her ball and moved on to the next hole. It was a bad habit she'd developed in family play. The other two girls witnessed her rule breaking. Brother Smith's dad was the head judge in this tournament and when he found out about his daughter picking up her ball and not finishing the hole, he asked her if that was true. Because she had done it without thinking - not intentionally - she, at first, didn't remember what had happened. Then she did and admitted to it. Her dad disqualified her, even though she had won. Then he called the other two girls over and asked them if they had realized what his daughter had done. They both answered that they had. He then reminded them that the rules state that if they knowingly witness someone picking up their ball and don't report it, they are to be disqualified. So he disqualified them as well, and the 4th place girl won the tournament. Brother Smith said his sister was so upset by what her dad did, yet with time healing the emotions of the experience, she came to appreciate and value the trust it caused her to have in her dad. I remember sitting in there and thinking of when Lyle had gone through driver training and was next to become an UPS driver. He had gotten in an accident in his Mountain Fuel car (another part-time job he had at the time) and knew that if he reported that to UPS, he wouldn't be able to drive for them. But being the honest person he is, he reported the accident to them anyway, then got passed up by a couple of guys behind him in seniority and had to wait another year or so before he was able to drive. It's those kinds of things, however, that allow our family to have trust in Lyle.

Finally, Brother Smith shared with us his insight into the high-trust relationship that Joseph Smith must've had with his parents. Think about it. Your teenage son comes to you and feels comfortable enough to say, "I've come to know that your religion, Mom, isn't true." He's not afraid to tell her that, nor does she reprimand him for his statement. Do your kids trust you enough to come to you with anything? And after Joseph had his vision while working in the field, the Spirit told him to go tell his dad about it. Would Heaven feel confident in telling your child to go to you?

I've thought a lot about this and a friend and I have recently talked about this very subject.......of our kids feeling comfortable to openly talk with us about what's on their mind, things that they've done that maybe they're afraid we'll disapprove of, their plans or dreams, etc. On the one hand, I feel like I have created an environment and a relationship with my kids so that they know they can talk to me about anything and I won't freak out. But on the other hand, I worry that my expectations are so high, because they have so much ability and talent, that they are afraid to disappoint me or let us down. They love us and want our approval so much that maybe they don't always feel they can be honest with us and trust our reactions.

Life is such an awesome education, full of great tests! I'm just gonna keep studying and preparing for them all!

Seeing Through a Glass Darkly and Other 1 Corinthians Insights

2011-09-01T12:59:00.002-06:00

The other day (maybe it was yesterday, I can't remember) I talked a little about our different talents and strengths. It's human nature to want to hobnob with talented or successful people, right? We want to be friends with the high school quarterback, the rich neighbor, the bishop or stake president. We really place a high value on what's outside - the looks, the title, the pocketbook, all the trappings that go along with success and popularity.

I went to our friends' son's first 6th grade football game last night. He's not the quarterback, the running back, the wide receiver......ya know, all the high-visibility scoring positions. He plays on the defense. But he was just as important to his team's win as all those other positions, because they kept the other team to 8 points, while they scored in the 30's. I watched him make tackle after tackle, block opposing players, follow the ball, ready to break up a play. Anyone who plays football (and most other sports) knows you can't win a game without good defense.

In 1 Corinthians 12, spiritual gifts are discussed and then it goes on to talk about members of the body of Christ. In verses 15-17 and 21, we're told that all parts (members) of the body are important and to be valued equally. The foot's not more important than the hand, nor the ear than the eye and so on. We all have a role, something to offer. A place. Just like Jon's position on his football team, we, with our different talents and spiritual gifts hold a place of importance.

I really like what it teaches in verses 22-27. We learn that the members (people) we consider to be weak or "problem children" are much more......necessary than those who just cruise along through life successfully, easily, visibly. We NEED our struggling friends, family members, neighbors, etc., because they give us opportunity for refinement. As we bestow more abundant honour on them by loving, accepting, reaching out to them, we become more comely ourselves.

If we think we're going to go through this life being able to look the other way all the time - being uncomfortable around someone who is living contrary to what we believe, giving up our willingness to nurture friends who have lots of problems and are high maintenance, pretending we don't see the sinner or the person with mental illness, and all the other people out there who hurt or who are failing.......we certainly can make that choice, but we will be completely missing the point of our existence here. In verse 31, we are told that of all the spiritual gifts available to possess, the very best gift, the more excellent way, is to be charitable. Actually, the concept is introduced in verse 31, but then in 1 Corinthians 13: 1-8, we find the answer: Charity.

And then comes one of my favorite Bible scriptures found in verse 12: For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face; now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

We rarely see ourselves, or others, clearly. We just don't remember who we are, who they are! That we are all Gods in embryo, loaded with divine gifts and talents and love. We get stuck on all the outside trappings and garbage and we lose sight of what's real about each other and ourselves. Right now, we're just seeing through a glass darkly. But some day.........some day, we will be face to face with God and then we will see ourselves, our lives, each other clearly. We will see and know and understand as God does.

I sometimes feel like I am trying to find that NOW. I feel a need to reach that state, and push others around me to reach that state, right now. And it brings a lot of frustration and discouragement. Sometimes I just feel like I'm living in a foreign land and I continue to struggle with the local customs and cultural norms. I want the clear-glass lifestyle. It's something I yearn for. I will be so happy to get to that day. And to be surrounded by people who are there with me.

Anyway. My thoughts on 1 Corinthians for the day. Carry on.

What Were YOU Doing Before This Life?

2011-08-31T09:32:00.004-06:00

Have you ever wondered why some people are just so darn talented and you don't seem to have any talents? Why some people are just naturally gifted at music or running or cooking or sewing, from the minute they start doing it? And why some seem to so easily believe what the gospel teaches about God and the plan of salvation, while others battle those truths in their minds?

I try to imagine my life before my birth in Las Vegas, Nevada in November of 1965. Who did I spend my days with and what types of things was I doing with my time? I know I had perfect parents who knew just how to parent me and I know I had a strong personality then, too. I imagine I (and all of us) had particular talents then, things that we loved to do and that we focused on and learned to do well, which likely carried with us to our lives here. That would explain a lot.

I also think the choices we made in the premortal life and the things we spent our time and attention on have a lot to do with the amount of light we possess now. Like Mary and Martha in the scriptures, some of us may have sat at our Father's feet and paid close attention to what He was teaching and maybe those are the same people who now understand His word clearly and who love to study it (real scriptorians) or who have become parents who more easily are able to mimic the Father in their parenting style. Others, during those moments, may have been off focusing their time and attention on other things - throwing the ball, practicing their singing, sleeping? Some of us may have surrounded ourselves with people, becoming nurturers of relationships, while some may have, even then, set themselves apart by preferring to be alone.

We may have forgotten all about our premortal life, but our spirits haven't. No gospel principle is new to us, because we were taught ALL of it before we came. It's not the first time we've heard any of it. Because we're here, we obviously chose to go with the plan, but it doesn't mean that we equally chose to go with it. Some may have been completely on board, absolutely excited and fully faithful in their hearts. Others may have chosen this life, yet did so out of obligation or even pressure from loved ones who wholeheartedly believed it to be the right way. Or maybe they chose Yes, but they felt very afraid and wondered if they'd have the confidence or wisdom to be successful. I just think there are reasons why we come with such different spirits and it only makes sense to me that it's due to whatever we did before we came and whatever personalities we developed then.

Neil A. Maxwell (one of the modern-day twelve apostles) posed the question: How can we truly understand who we are unless we know who we were and who we have the power to become?

I'm limited in knowing who I was, but if I can at least understand and believe that I come from a loving and perfect Father and Mother in Heaven and that I am their child, I have a powerful advantage in life, don't I?

Clean Earth to Till

2011-08-30T09:26:00.005-06:00

In the Book of Mormon, there are a couple of brothers who are fairly rebellious against their parents and against God. They have a younger brother, however - same parents, same teachings about God, but he chooses a different path. Just a reminder, I suppose, that kids can grow up in the same house with the same parents, be taught the same "right and wrong", but turn out so differently.

Somehow, even with all that their parents taught them, these two brothers didn't know God and that's why they were rebellious and unhappy all the time. People who don't have God in their lives, although they won't admit it, are unhappy, BECAUSE they don't have a relationship with Him, nor do they follow His teachings. I'm not talking specific religious affiliation, because you can know God and follow the teachings you are aware of, and find a peace in your life that others don't have.

In my church, there is an assumption that if your child goes to church every Sunday, participates in the youth program, attends seminary (not to become a priest! Just to study the scriptures), earns their Eagle scout rank and Duty to God awards (or Young Womanhood Recognition award) or even serves a full-time mission for the church, they are converted. But that's not necessarily so. All of those things are outward appearances of a (possible) conversion, but I am a good example of it not being the case. As a child and a teenager living in my parents' home, I went to church every Sunday, I graduated from 4 years of early-morning seminary, I actively participated in the youth program and the reality was I didn't have an inkling of belief ingrained in my heart. I had no idea God was there for me or that He loved me. And because of that emptiness, that ignorance of the truth, I rebelled, felt alone and was very, very unhappy.

My adult experience has looked a little like this:

1. I continued to go through the motions, because it was what I was raised with.

2. I continued to doubt and question, BUT I continued to ask and search.

3. I had a desire to know the truth and I wouldn't let go of that desire.

4. I prayed, I fasted, I studied, I asked for priesthood blessings.

5. In God's time, when I was ready to listen and accept, those pleadings were answered with the peace and understanding of (finally!) becoming acquainted with God.

As a parent of two priceless children, I hope for an easier path of understanding. I hope that I have given them the tools and that they will utilize all the greater tools that God has given them. I hope that, should they wander off the path a little, they won't get lost for long and that they will come back. I hope they will find God early.

I love this quote by J.R.R. Tolkien from Lord of the Rings: "It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till. What weather they shall have is not ours to rule."

My job isn't to control everything around me, but merely to uproot the evil in my immediate "world", in my own life. If I do that, then I can leave a more fertile ground for my children to work with. I don't know the challenges that will come to them, but if I've planted them in fertile soil that I have cleaned up and prepared for them, I don't need to worry.

The Truth that Trust Tells

2011-08-29T09:35:00.002-06:00

Trust is such an amazing thing. With it, a relationship knows no bounds. Without it, the relationship is only an empty imposter.

Trust in a relationship builds when interactions are consistently personal, positive, low risk/non-threatening and occur often. These are the building bricks. It doesn't matter if it's a husband-wife relationship, a business relationship, a parent-child relationship, a teammate relationship or a relationship just between friends - these factors must be in place and consistently in place.

Candid communication, where people feel free to be honest with each other, can ONLY take place in a high-trust relationship. Otherwise, there's defensiveness, resentment and withdrawal. No one feels safe to be honest - with others or even with themselves. If there's friction in the relationship or the conversation, you know there's a lack of trust or at least a low level of trust, in that relationship, to begin with.

High-trust relationships look like this:

1. There is a free exchange of critical feedback - open and honest communication, with a willingness to give and receive feedback.

2. Lasting change or progress is a by-product. When we receive critical feedback from someone we trust, we have the opportunity to become better, because our blind spots become visible to us.

3. Eternal love is a possibility. You cannot find it in a low-trust relationship.

4. Full of compassion - putting yourself in the other's place, giving the benefit of the doubt.

5. The people involved are reliable/dependable - you know you can count on them.

Today, as I look at some of my relationships, I can see that they are low-trust relationships. Even some of my relationships that I would call "close" are really missing the mark. And, of course, it does no good to point the finger anywhere but here, because even if there were some truth there, I can't do anything about that. I can only really look at myself and ask "Is it I?" Am I willingly sharing personal thoughts and feelings? Do interactions with me leave that person feeling better? Am I making them feel safe to be themselves, to be honest in sharing their personal thoughts and feelings with me in return? Do I give them my time? And am I compassionate and someone they can depend on?

It's clear to me that I've got my work cut out for me. And that I need the grace of God to assist me.

Mountaintop Experiences and Spiritual Twinkies

2011-08-26T07:48:00.002-06:00

A mountaintop experience......that feeling I got the first time I raced the Hobble Creek Half Marathon. Or the day I walked across the DeJong Concert Hall stage and received my Bachelor of Science degree from BYU, with my 10-year old and 7 1/2-year old looking on. Or the spiritual high I've received by attending a week of Women's Conference or Education Week at BYU. Those moments where I am on top of the world! Where I feel like I can do ANYTHING, overcome ANY problem or weakness. Where I am determined, uplifted, motivated and focused. Good times.

The reality is that those mountaintop moments don't always last. I'm fired up for a week, maybe even a few weeks, but then the fire dies down and I find myself back in the usual routine. The WOW! moment has passed and everyday life is what's facing me. If I don't allow those experiences to bring me to my knees in gratitude, in seeking for further help and inspiration, I have missed the point. I guess that's why it's so important that I continually seek those kinds of uplifting, encouraging experiences. If I can involve myself in one after another after another, I might actually keep moving forward!

As a mom, I want my children to have those same types of spiritual experiences, where they feel so good and so motivated to continue doing the right thing. But they can't just be personal moments. They need to be REAL spiritual experiences that make a lasting impression. It needs to lead them to God, to their knees. I want them to know and feel that God really loves them. I want them to understand God's true character and attributes, rather than make Him out to be an imperfect parent. I want them to be able to recognize and identify the Spirit when it speaks to them and that when they are feeling that Spirit, it means God is aware of them, loves them and, at least in that moment, is pleased with them. I don't want their spiritual experiences to be just little moments - spiritual Twinkies full of empty calories that are burned quickly. Because I know that when the crises come - and they will - the bundle of scriptures they learned in seminary, the heartwarming poems that are passed around, the songs they learned at girl's camp, etc. won't be enough to sustain them. They need a real understanding of God and His love for them and His ability and willingness and desire to help them if they ask. They need to develop real faith.

I love Heavenly Father and His son. I love the changes that have come into my life over the past 3+ years as I've willingly let Them in. Yes, I enjoyed a week at BYU with my husband for Education Week, but I can't sit still with what I've learned and experienced last week. No spiritual Twinkie for me! (I don't even like Twinkies.) I need to DO. Today. Tomorrow. Sunday. And next week. And next month. And next year.

The Story of My Life

2011-08-25T07:32:00.002-06:00

All week I attended a class (this is the only time Lyle and I split up and went to different classes) entitled How to Write a Life Story People Will Want to Read. It was taught by a husband-wife team. She teaches the same subject at a college in Orange County, CA. I found it to be very informative and insightful, yet I still left with the same burning question and concern that I walked into the classroom with........how to write about sensitive issues, past history that you're not sure you want to disclose, yet you feel that if you don't, you won't be covering your life.

I have always been an avid journal writer. I started with "diaries" when I was quite young. Unfortunately, my very first diary - ya know, the kind that had a lock on it - was destroyed by my oldest sister, who didn't like the honest things I was sharing about the truth of what she and my other siblings were up to :) But since then, I have recorded and possess many, many diaries and journals, including many Gratitude Journals (where I list 5 things every day that I am thankful for).

For whatever reason, I continue to feel compelled to take all of those journals, those stories and experiences, all the raw emotion, and write my life story. I figured I'd walk into that class, then walk out 4 days later, knowing what to do, having had these two people tell me just how to handle my past. Didn't happen. And do you know what I realized as I sat through the final class of the week? That no one is an expert on my life or on what to include or leave out except God. I was looking to these two "experts" to tell me what is best for me to do, when I really need to turn to God for that. He can tell me what to include, how to say it, and what to leave out, while still maintaining my authenticity and accomplishing my purpose. My purpose being letting my posterity know who I am and showing the transformation that took place in my life in my 40's. Sharing my knowledge that the Atonement is very real. Even though I don't understand how it all works, I know that because Christ paid with His life, I am able to change mine and become a new person. I am able to be healed, both physically and spiritually/emotionally. I can be forgiven and I can forgive others and have a new heart.

So some day......that elusive "someday".......I will begin. I will sit down at my computer and find a clever way to begin the story of my life. And Kelsie and Jonah and all my grand kids to come will some day read it and (hopefully) understand.

Follow the Leader and a $2 Bill

2011-08-24T07:36:00.003-06:00

One thing presenter Kevin Hinckley said - that he also mentioned a few years ago when I attended one of his Education Week classes - is that it's okay to let your mind wander. Specifically, he talked about being in a meeting or a class or at church and, rather than paying strict attention to what the speaker or teacher or presenter is saying, you follow the Spirit wherever it leads you. For example: as we sat in the Marriott Center Tuesday morning and listened to Elder Jay Jensen speak at the devotional, I struggled to maintain my focus on his message. A thought had come into my mind - a thought about one of my children. I tried to let it go, because I didn't want to be disrespectful to the speaker by not paying attention, but it kept coming back. This, Brother Hinckley says, is the Spirit speaking to me, providing me with inspiration and impressions. He said, "You are in the room, the teacher or speaker is in the room, and so is the Spirit. If you find yourself being led in a different direction by the Spirit, follow." He said that many people come to these Education Weeks, or to Women's Conferences, or to church or the temple, and they come with problems and concerns and questions they need answered. They may be sitting there, trying to pay attention, and God will answer their questions, or provide insights or options or comforting thoughts that might have absolutely nothing to do with what the speaker is discussing. And that's okay. Go with it.

I have experienced that before, but when it happened this time, I knew it for what it was......a personal revelation, and I didn't feel one bit guilty for not hearing what Elder Jensen was saying for about 20 minutes!

I only really remember one thing Elder Jensen said that stuck with me and that is that I never want to place myself between God and my children. I could extend that to my other family members, my friends, my neighbors, co-workers, as well. Meaning I never want to draw them to me, as if I have the answers or the power, and away from Him. I never want to elevate myself in position above God. One of the main things I want to help my children understand is that it's God who can aid them in everything they do by receiving His strength, His comfort, His wisdom. It's like the $2 bill that Lyle and I gave Kelsie when she went off to college for the first time last year. We said, "Keep this $2 bill where you can see it, to remind you that it's between you and the Lord. You need to quit relying on us so much and learn to rely more on yourself, with God's daily help. Partner up with Him. We are limited in what we can do for you, limited in what we know. God is the One who can really help you."

The Education of My Desires

2011-08-23T08:23:00.002-06:00

Throughout the week, Lyle and I attended 12 classes taught by Kevin Hinckley - 3 per day for the 4 days of Education Week. There's something about the way he thinks and talks that speaks directly to me. Day one, second class, he discussed this subject of our desires and what we pray for. I found it to be very meaningful and I took the challenge he gave at the end of class.

He reminded us of the story of Moses and the Egyptians. Moses and his people believed they were free from bondage, but the armies were approaching and there was no where to turn. Death appeared to be imminent. In praying to God, asking for help, we would likely ask this: Should we go left? Should we go right? If that was our prayer, we may be left to feel that God wasn't answering. But get this.......not because he wasn't going to, but because the options we prayed about, asked for, weren't what God had in mind for us. They were asking whether they should go right or left, when God intended to have them go straight. No where in their experience would they have prayed for the sea to be parted, but it was in God's mind, and power, to do so.

When we petition the Lord with what we want to have happen, with what we think is the best option for us - even if it's a righteous desire - we are leaving no room for a parting-of-the-Red-Sea kind of experience. God can do so much more than we are even capable of thinking of as options! His power is great, His thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways not our ways. Rather than asking for something to be handled in a particular way, our prayers should show a desire to learn God's will and have the faith that whatever that looks like, we will trust Him and follow.

Joseph F. Smith stated: The education of our desires is one of far-reaching importance to our happiness in life." This implies that our desires need to be educated. That we are immature, or novice, in what we want, in what we ask for. In Romans 8: 26 we see that we don't even know what to pray for, because we are burdened with so many infirmities - spiritual, mental or emotional infirmities. Quoting that verse: "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities, for we know not what we should pray for as we ought; but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Educating our desires, then, involves the help of the Holy Ghost. If we are quietly on our knees, and we seek to know the Lord's will concerning a decision we must make or any other issue confronting us, the Spirit will guide us in knowing what we need to petition the Lord for. The Spirit will make up for the things we cannot say, because we aren't even aware of them.

God knows what we need. God knows what we understand and where we are confused. He knows our strengths and our limitations.

Brother Hinckley offered us the 30-day Educate My Desires Challenge:

1. Express gratitude, asking for very little, if anything.

2. Explain "All I want is what You want for me."

3. Ask "What would You have me do?"

4. Listen for promptings of what needs to be done, then follow those promptings.

Today marks day 8 for me. My personal prayer in the morning and again at bedtime is focused on the things I am thankful for that day. I ask for nothing, except to know what His will for me is. I express my love for Him and my desire to do what He would have me do in all situations that arise, in all decisions that need to be made. I tell Him I need His help, because I can't do it on my own. And then, throughout the day, or while I sleep, I listen and try to follow the inspiration or promptings that come. So far, it has brought a measure of peace that I can't explain.

Past experience tells me that I am not always right about the things I want or the things I think I need. Not always right about how to achieve those desires. God knows me better than I know myself. I believe that. And He is wiser, more loving and has my best interest in mind. Who greater to help me than He?

A Week of Education

2011-08-22T08:04:00.004-06:00

I really enjoy reading biographies, autobiographies and memoirs. And not only from people I know and admire, but sometimes I find myself reading histories of individuals I don't care for or know nothing much about. I just find people fascinating! Their experiences, their thoughts on life, their feelings and how they react to what happens to them, their relationships. I learn so much about myself in the reading. I also try to learn from their mistakes and their successes. History is a teacher.

My writing is like this. I mean, my blog entries have always had a journal-like quality. I do that for a couple of reasons: I like to imagine that others, like myself, enjoy reading autobiographical writings and that they, too, can learn from it - learn something about themselves, learn from my mistakes or successes. Secondly, I write this way, because it does something for me. There's healing in writing.

I try not to let it bother me when some of you criticize how I write or what I share, but from my blog absences, you can see that it does. I have allowed some of you to push me away, cause me to crawl into my cave and lick my wounds, so to speak. I don't want to live like that - afraid to be honest, full of resentment, unwilling to be vulnerable. So here I am Again.

In the coming days, I will be sharing things I learned this past week at BYU Education Week. My husband and I spent his vacation week attending classes throughout the day. Some of what I share with you will be directly what I learned from the presenters, but I will also share insights and thoughts of my own or inspiration that came to me in a random moment. Again, I do so for twofold reason: to solidify in my own mind the things I learned and want to retain; and, hopefully, to pass something of worth along to you.

The first thing I realized last week is that I may not remember everything I heard or learned in each moment, but I will remember the spirit that I felt: the encouragement, the enthusiasm, the peace. I will remember the Light I felt. And that Light will carry me until the next time. Until the next Education Week, or Women's Conference, or church meeting, or temple attendance, or personal study time. My life is set up that way. As long as I fill it with uplifting things, I can travel spiritual moment to spiritual moment, refilling my cup. Then I can handle whatever comes.

Just What I Needed Today

2011-07-03T20:00:00.004-06:00

It's been two weeks ago tomorrow that I got the cortisone injections in both SI joints. I was so hopeful that it would help relieve the pain I've been experiencing for over a year now, but it hasn't. As I'm sure you have been able to tell from many of my postings, I have allowed it to really discourage me.

After church today, we enjoyed a BBQ dinner out on our back patio before Kelsie headed off to finish covering someone else's shift. We told her we'd come down in a bit to visit with the residents and have Lyle and Jonah play some music for them. It ended up being just what I needed.

While they stayed in the dining room and played the piano, I went around to residents who were in their rooms or in the hallway in wheelchairs and visited. It was a rough day for many, I could tell. A resident they call "Grandma" was in the hall, screaming and crying, not being able to make herself understood. All the nurses and CNA's were running around so busy and they hadn't been able to help her yet. I finally understood that she wanted to get her nightgown on and get into bed. I knew I wasn't allowed to do that on my own, so all I could do was sit by her, hold her hand and try to calm her down. I know when she yells like that, she annoys everyone, but I couldn't help but feel compassion toward her. She wanted something so simple, yet not simple enough to do on her own.

In the same room is a resident who spends the day saying, "Help me! Help me!" Sometimes she really does need help with something, but most times she's just really crying out for attention. I went to her side and she asked me to take off her other sock and straighten out her legs and pull her covers up. Another simple task, but something she couldn't do herself.

"Kay" just wants to go home. She wanders up and down the hallways, trying to get out the doors, mumbling that her family will be worried about her and that she needs to leave.

I found myself full of compassion for these old friends I've come to know through my daughter and her work. Their bodies are weak or their minds are weak and they aren't able to do the things they used to do. They hurt, they're tired, they're lonely. And I realized I am ungrateful. Yes, I am experiencing chronic pain for the past year or so and I'm not able to run and do so many of the things I actively enjoy doing. But I can get in and out of bed myself. I can walk. I can feed myself and my family. I have the freedom to come and go in my car. My mind is (usually) clear and I can communicate my thoughts and feelings. Put into perspective, I am strong, healthy and capable and have no room to complain or feel sorry for myself.

So on that note I finish this post, having experienced just what I needed today.

P.S. Yesterday I read Lyle the posting that I had deleted (but printed for myself) and he said, "There's nothing wrong with what you said!" Coming from my politically correct-nice guy-everyone's friend husband, I felt better. Told ya.......I've gotten a little paranoid/gun shy.

So I've Been a Little Quiet, But I Have Excitement to Share!

2011-07-02T12:52:00.004-06:00

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I last blogged. Well, that you got to read, at least. I actually blogged on Sunday, June 26th. I had come home early from church, because I (physically) couldn't stand sitting for one more minute. My back and hip were giving me grief that day. My posting was entitled To Track and Board Games and it included a couple of pictures from the internet - one, of some distance runners on the track at Hayward Field, and the other was of the Settlers/Seafarer's of Catan game board set up. Part of my posting discussed how watching track (I'd been watching the national track and field championship on TV that weekend) and playing board games are like pain pills for me. I get so engrossed in both that I am able to tolerate my discomfort and discouragement. There were other things I discussed, but after walking away from my computer, I came back to it within 30 minutes and removed the posting. I just felt it was whiny, negative, and said some things that might offend particular Hadlock family members and I didn't want anyone upset with me. I did print it off to include in my personal blog journal, but then took it from public view.

Since then, I guess I really have just been quiet. It's not that I haven't had things to say. There have been things on my mind, things I have been upset about, things I have had concern over, but I haven't been willing to share publicly. I guess I feel a little gun shy, more reserved than usual. I don't want to hurt or offend. I would love more honest communication with particular people in my life, for sure, but sometimes my blog isn't the venue for sorting through my thoughts on that.

Anyway.

My BIG news.......my EXTREME excitement these days (and oh, how wonderful it is to have something to look forward to!) is the fact that we bought tickets for the four of us to go to Eugene, Oregon next summer on vacation - to Historic Hayward Field - to watch the 8 days of Olympic Trials in track and field. This meet will decide who represents our country in the 2012 Olympics in London, England. It's been nearly a week since we purchased tickets and nearly every day since, I find myself secretly grinning, pinching myself to see if I'm really awake! I cannot believe that I will watch in person the likes of Tyson Gay, David Oliver, Lolo Jones, Bernard Lagat, Galen Rupp, Jeremy Wariner, Carmelita Jeter and so many others, including my favorite Allyson Felix! Our seats are phenomenal and for 8 days, I will be in track heaven.

I think I've blogged this sentiment before, but I don't remember. The point is: everyone needs something to look forward to. Everyone needs something in life that is like a pain pill, things that help them overcome discouragement, suffering, disappointment. Something to look forward to. Something to keep them moving forward through tough times. Right now, this year-from-now event is my thing. It's a very bright spot in my little world.

Well. I'll stop for now. But it's not the end of it. I can already imagine my postings from the trip. I will have Kelsie bring her laptop, or I'll bring Jonah's laptop, and I'll try to post at the end of each day, so you all can experience the thrill right alongside us :) Hee hee.....I say that with a smile, because I know of no one (personally) who is as crazy happy about watching track as ME.

It's Independence Day weekend. I am a free woman. A grateful, free woman.

The Day I Got Cortisone Injections

2011-06-20T18:49:00.002-06:00

The day I got two cortisone injections, one in each of my SI joints, was a beautiful day. Not too hot, not too cold. A cool breeze and sunshine. The mountains - green and covered just enough with snow to make them even prettier than usual - I came home and went for a walk with Mia. I love Mia. She is the sweetest, most obedient, most loyal dog in the world.

My legs felt a little disassociated from my body, but I felt stiff and achy from the shots, so I went anyway. Not one of my speedier walks, but we had a nice time.

The best part? Coming home. I plopped down on our front lawn, took off my shoes and socks and lay in the grass. I closed my eyes, felt that awesome cool breeze blow across my skin, listened to my music and sang out loud for the robins - and possibly my neighbors - to hear. Mia plopped down beside me, curled up in my left armpit, lay her head on my chest and let me caress her. And in that moment, everything was all right.

Do you have moments like that? Where the simplest things like laying in the grass with your beloved dog bring a measure of peace? Do you let those moments in? Boy - I do! I've known enough bad to appreciate those rich little tidbits of simple pleasure and peace. Those are grateful moments.

The day I got cortisone injections was a day the clouds parted, joy came in, hope filled my soul and I was grateful.

(Now to go soak in a tub of epsom salt.)

Humbled

2011-06-19T10:11:00.003-06:00

The truth is.......I feel very humbled this morning. Compelled to be humble, I suppose you could say.

There's just so much about life I don't understand. So much I don't know how to do. I seem to be able to make some decisions, make some changes, but then there's all the rest. My power to, my control, my "smarts" is extremely, extremely limited. And I get knocked down and uprooted much too easily.

I listened to Sheri L. Dew and Wendy Watson Nelson speak yesterday. My sister had invited me to a brunch, a women's conference. It was nice to spend some time with her doing something meaningful. Sheri told a cute story about planting 20 pots or so of perennials in her yard, then coming out in the morning to find them all uprooted and missing. Twenty empty holes. After some time, she discovered the new little neighbor girl, age 6, was the culprit. She said that because the flowers were newly planted and had not taken root, they were so easily uprooted, and by a mere 6-year-old girl.

In my life, am I deeply rooted in my beliefs and (good) habits? Or can Satan send his equivalent of a 6-year-old to easily uproot me? A hurtful email. Undiagnosed and unhealed pain. A compliment.

Something else Sister Dew talked about was prayer and how sometimes God removes the trial you ask Him to remove, but sometimes He doesn't. In both cases, there is an indication that a loving and answering God is there. We feel we have the faith to be healed (or whatever our supplication entails), but do we have the faith NOT to be healed? I found that to be a poignant, soul-searching question that I probably ought to ask myself every single day.

Wendy Watson (Elder Russell M. Nelson's wife) reiterated this thought. She mentioned the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den and said, "Would it have been a greater miracle to be taken out of the lion's den, or was it a greater miracle to be left in there, but unharmed?" Obviously, it's much easier to just remove, or remove us from, the trial - especially for us. But to be left with it, or in it, yet strengthened and protected and comforted enough to endure......that's a real miracle.

One other thing Wendy talked about that really made me think - and hopefully continue to think about - is the idea that we made some personal, pre-mortal commitments, kind of a Things to do while I am on the Earth type of list. And she said that it doesn't matter what we end up accomplishing, doesn't matter how successful we are in other things, if it wasn't on our pre-mortal To Do List, it won't satisfy us, won't fulfill us, won't make us happy. She said, "All the Prozac in the world won't make up for what you fail to do from your personal pre-mortal commitment list." And she said that when we die and see what we chose to spend our time, our money, our energy on instead, we'll say to ourselves, "I can't believe how easily distracted I was!"

As I sat and listened to these two inspired women speak, I couldn't help but think of the situation that happened this week. Couldn't help but wonder what I committed to before I came to this Earth. My heart tells me it had a lot to do with people and relationships and example, nurturing, forgiveness, compassion. And so I recommitted not to live in resentment. Not to live in drama.

Finally, on this Father's Day, I want to say how lucky I am to have been raised by a father who embodied those gifts. My dad loved people, he didn't hold a grudge, he loved God and he tried to pattern his life after Christ. And then I married Lyle and continue to be blessed with a good man in my life who shows me by example how to love, to forgive, to live without resentment or drama. Happy Father's Day to the two best men I've had the privilege to know and love!

No Resentment

2011-06-16T21:16:00.009-06:00

Saturday, June 18th (well, actually it's past midnight, so it's Sunday, Father's Day)

My daughter is right. I do love to write. But that's only part of the reason why I came back (already) to my blog. Mostly, I came back because I don't want to live in resentment. I don't want to allow my fears or my hurt feelings to keep me from being myself. I don't want to allow my worry about what others are thinking or saying about me to matter. I just know that I have loved writing, and if I stopped because I was afraid of the judgment or the hurt someone's actions caused me, I would harbor resentment. And resentment is heavy. It's dangerous for me. And I don't want to live in it. So here I am, blogging once more.

Before I removed my blog, I made it private. For about 3 hours. That felt safe. But it felt all wrong. I didn't start my blog as an exclusive endeavor and it just made no sense to me to keep it private. But emotionally, I needed to withdraw myself from public scrutiny. I know it didn't last long - for you - but for me, it was upsetting, and much went on behind the scenes. But I came to some important decisions. You will only see the small result of my coming back to my blog - that's just the smallest result - but things have changed......much more has changed.

Anyway. Blah, blah, blah. Before I settle down for the night, I will close with what I typed, but never posted, two days ago. Just to explain, although without really explaining. I entitled it "It's My Life, Says Bon Jovi."

So here I sit. Very agitated. I've spent this day locked up in my house. I never got out of my PJs. I finally made myself eat something (Top Ramen) at 2:30 this afternoon and continue not to have an appetite. I can't run it off - which really makes me wanna scream - and I don't have work or a houseful of little kids or anything else to keep my mind occupied on something else. And so I sit and stew. Have you ever had that experience?

This is the deal. I am feeling compelled to make my blog private, to make it where only invited readers can be privy to my life, to my private thoughts and feelings. Not because I'm such a private or paranoid person by nature, but because it's come to my attention that I was sorta stalked. I've had people watch me from their computers, then use what I share to benefit their own addictive behaviors. NOT what I'm looking for in readers.

So then earlier tonight I went in and made this thing private. I invited 16 people into my world. That felt good for about 15 minutes. So then I paced around the house and said to my husband, "This is stupid. There is no point in having a private blog. Either I need to leave it open for whoever to read, or I need to quit writing and shut it down altogether." He agreed. He tells me to continue writing, because he says there are people who care to read it, who have given me feedback that it makes a positive difference in their life.

And then I argued back: But why should I set myself up for crap like this to happen, for just a handful of people (including strangers)?

Listen. I don't know how I come across to you, but I'll tell ya something......I GET that I'm just talking out my mouth. My brain that's going a mile a minute sometimes is just finding a venue with this blog. It's not because I really have anything important you need to hear and it's certainly not because I have figured out the mysteries of life and am such a perfect friend, wife or mother. I know I don't really know what I'm doing. So when I try to imagine what you (whoever you are) are thinking as you read my words, I can't. I do know some of you think I'm full of crap and you just read it so you can sit back and "read between the lines" and judge me. Well, my good husband is telling me not to worry about you guys anymore.

But why do I write? I mean, why do I write publicly?

I've been told I shouldn't. That I should keep a journal instead.

I do. I do keep a journal.

Why do I write?

I don't know.

I think about some of the blogs I've read. Some, from complete strangers. And they have uplifted me or just made me laugh or smile. They have given me great ideas, things to try. Sometimes I read something that I think about the rest of the day, something that has made me a better person, even if only in my vision of myself, of who I want to become. They make me feel like we're all in this together, that I'm part of a bigger whole of humanity, that I'm not just in this thing alone, completely misunderstood. Because, ya know, I do feel misunderstood a lot. And maybe I'm not alone in this.

Man........I really hate being ignored. I hate sharing with someone, only to have them refuse to respond. To ask a question and get no answer. So all you people out there who want to really get at me? Just ignore me (like some of you are). Don't respond to my emails. Delete me off facebook without explanation. Have the last word and just walk away.......... And watch me squirm.

Ah......now I'm sharing raw thoughts and emotion. You are now inside my head. I think I'll stop.

I will kneel down beside my bed tonight. I will rehash it all with God and I will cry. I have held it in all day, but the day is getting long and I am ready to burst. I will turn it over to Him. I will pray for my body to relax and my mind to quiet. And I know He'll bring peace. I'll sleep. Then tomorrow will be a new beginning. A new day.

I will not let myself be controlled.

The End?

2011-06-16T09:16:00.003-06:00

I am contemplating making my blog private. Maybe even quitting it altogether. I don't like how it's been used by some people. We'll see.....